[felix ignores the congratulations and greetings entirely. he doesn't even bother looking over at them. he's starting to think pulling out those mementos was a bad idea. it's like they're...calling to him, from the box in sylvain's hand. accusing. dragging his thoughts into the past against his will.
sylvain said they would speak at this little funeral of theirs. say things they couldn't say before. but felix has no idea what he wants to say, or what he even has to say that hasn't already been said. he hates talking about these things, anyway. it's so much easier to just try to bury them. though sylvain seems to think they'll have to talk before they can bury, and what does felix actually know about moving past grief? evidently, not nearly as much as he thought.
but he follows sylvain through the darkness and into the trees until they stop where the ground is spongy and soggy. his night vision is decent, but even he can barely see anything, here. he'd taken the shovel so that sylvain would carry the box, so he wastes little time in moving past sylvain and poking at the ground in a few places before he finds what he thinks is the best spot and starts digging.
it's good to have something physical to do, so he's not just standing around with his stupid thoughts.]
I guess ... deep enough so animals don't accidentally dig it up?
[ if some thief tries to unearth it, he hardly thinks there's anything in the box worth of value that they'd be able to sell, but he's more worried about burrowing animals that could accidentally ruin it for them.
sylvain takes piece of branch and breaks it, sharpens the end with a dagger. this will be their marker. ]
[felix begins to dig. he lets his mind blank with the repetitive motions and the sounds of the forest at night, the rain pattering on the leaves. this is easy. this, he understands. a task that needs doing, and so he does it, and it's simple. like battle is supposed to be.
he pauses every so often for sylvain to check the depth with the marker he made, until they deem the hole deep enough. felix tosses the shovel aside and folds his arms. he hopes sylvain doesn't expect him to say much. or go first. or...pray, or whatever.]
[ he doesn't really know what else to do, if there's some sort of ceremony involved with these things. but for what it's worth, he takes out his handkerchief and wraps the small box in it, and places it carefully in the hole that felix has dug.
he sits cross-legged on the dirt, and thinks about what to say. finally, he settles with, ]
I guess I'll go first.
To Miklan, whom I never got along with, you are always in my thoughts along with all of the regrets I've had since we were children.
.... to Ingrid, I wish you listened to me. [ a mirthless laugh. ] I guess it doesn't matter now. Whatever compelled you to stay, I ... I hope it made you happy in the end. Even if it's hard.
... Dimitri, you - [ his voice catches, and then he starts crying.
it's awful. he wasn't expecting it. it just wells up in him like a storm; first like lead, then bile at the back of his throat, the experience frustrating, and humiliating. ] - you would've made a good king. And I still believe that. It didn't have to be like this, but -
[ but nothing. he had lost. they won. what other excuse does he have.
he didn't realize it was going to be this hard, and he doesn't finish his eulogies. sylvain wipes his face with the back of his hand and is quiet for a while as he whimpers like a child, because he doesn't know what else to say. ]
[felix doesn't sit, at first. he doesn't intend to, either. he listens to sylvain and feels his old hatred for miklan simmer back just under the surface. he listens, and doubts that anything made ingrid happy anymore. he listens, and then there's nothing more to listen to but the sound of tears and rain.
that's when he sits beside sylvain in the dirt and speaks quietly.]
...Ingrid. You never figured out how to get over mourning Glenn any more than I did. I think you stayed for what you swore in his memory, and I think it was stupid and self-destructive, and you should have come with us. You should be here with us. ...but I suppose you'll see Glenn before I will. And who knows, maybe that was the point.
[he stares into the hole where the little box sits, so innocuously judging him. a part of him wants to retrieve it and smash it to bits. he doesn't.]
Father.
[he pauses there to will the ice he built around his heart when it came to Rodrigue to stay frozen firmly. sylvain isn't the only one who didn't realize it was going to be this hard; but felix fears that if he does start, he'll never stop, just pouring a decade's worth of rage and misery and spite into the hole until it's overflowing.
he goes on anyway.]
You...tried to kill your own son. For living and fighting for what I believed in. All that time you wanted me to fall in line and be a good little knight for you, you never saw me at all. You saw the Glenn-shaped child you wanted and you tried to mold me to fit. I never would have, even if I had stayed. So you...
[his breath hitches and his throat tightens and he knows what comes next, because it used to happen to him all the time. it's almost painfully familiar. he pulls his knees up close to his chest and wraps his arms around them, staring into the darkness of the makeshift grave and letting the tears spill over even as he fights to keep his voice even.]
You wrote me off in favor of Dimitri and washed your hands of me. And I suppose that's why you were prepared to run me through. I had become just another...another duty to you, another family mess for you to clean up. Well, there is no more family now. There's just me.
As for the boar...
[he shakes his head, swallowing that insult along with his pride. he was foolish to think he had nothing left to say; to think he wouldn't find the words. he suspects now that he could speak forever and still never run out.]
Dimitri. When we were children, I would have done anything for you. I was ready to walk the Fraldarius path, training for the day when I could happily give my life for your sake. And now here I am, blubbering like a saints-damned fool, for your sake. No matter how far I run from Faerghus, no matter how many people I betray or oaths I break, or how much blood I spill, you still won't leave me be. I can't--I refuse to live in your shadow anymore. You're dead, so...just...just stay dead and let me live in peace, you bastard.
[he sniffles, just once, and in the silence that remains he turns his face up to the rain and closes his eyes.]
[ all of those words, from a man who never liked funerals nor talking, and sylvain feels like his mind is unspooling ever so slowly under grief.
even felix is affected, and how can he not be? this is the only way the two of them can say good bye now. there's something cowardly about it to him. but how else would they say such words to the people they care for? it's already too late now and it was still too late then when they were in battle and have seen each other with fear in their eyes as if meeting each other again for the first time, and it was too late to save anyone.
are they free? who knows what that means now. sometimes sylvain wishes he was with the knights of seiros, because at least, if they die, someone can sweetly lie to them that there was a version of peace they can believe in no matter how brutal the war is.
barring all of that, all they have is dirt and suffering. sylvain wipes his eyes with the back of his hand and grabs the shovel. if there's nothing else, he'll do the honours and bury the box. it's his turn now. his hands are shaking and he feels numb. this was a mistake, he thinks; and he was hoping, foolishly, that he'd feel lighter. better. guilt-free. but he doesn't, his heart is heavy and his head aches and he digs. ]
[felix can't guess at what sylvain was going to say, but he's hardly going to press the issue. he's not sure he really wants to know.
he sits motionless and lets the rain rinse the tears from his face while sylvain buries the box. he wants to think that each shovelful of dirt is burying memories and feelings along with it. he's always had too many feelings, and they've always been too strong. he tried to shove them back behind a wall of thorns, but he knows now that all he did was let them multiply. he has to get rid of them, once and for all. leave them here in this hole so that when they walk away from this place, he can leave it all behind for good.
letting himself feel anything was maybe the biggest mistake he's ever made.
by the time sylvain's finished filling in the hole and tamping down the muddy earth, felix has gotten to his feet and turned his back on the unmarked grave.]
You're sure you have nothing left to say? I'm not coming back here later if you change your mind.
[ sylvain takes a piece of stick and buries it over as a makeshift marker. not that they intend to come back anymore; he doesn't intend to make this a habit.
it's embarrassing, to have been rendered so vulnerable in front of a grave that isn't even quite real. and he can't say that he's said everything he needs to, there's likely more that he would like. but that's enough of that. no need to become martyrs over their shared grief. ]
In any case, they're probably looking for us. We should return.
There's the war to think of, I still have a job to do.
[ whomever thought it was a good idea to put so much responsibility on him ought to be fired. it's probably hubert, and he won't ever tell that to his face, but the sentiment remains the same. ]
[Felix has no intention of leaving before the war's end, either, but he certainly doesn't plan to stick around in Enbarr, either. Or in Fraldarius, for that matter, even if Edelgard did want to keep the territorial boundaries intact for administrative purposes.]
Leaving. [ sylvain repeats after him, feeling dumb as he says it, like he can't believe he's suggesting this to him now. after the war? just walking away from it all? ]
You can't be serious. What for? Where will you go?
[ which is understandable, he supposed, but he's also keeping the tone light because he knows felix is serious. he doesn't fit well in this structure, anyway - sylvain seeks order despite his personality, but felix has always felt like a lone wolf since he realized who he wanted to be, and growing up and working towards that kind of man.
it's admirable, in a way. sylvain would never do it. ]
[there certainly is a lot to admire. her skill alone speaks volumes of her prowess, but it isn't only that. she's never confined by meaningless codes or standards, and she answers to no one. she's a force of nature on the battlefield. but mostly--]
As a mercenary, she had a hunger for victory that most soldiers lack. I find myself lacking as well, lately.
[when they first joined the imperial army, felix did feel strongly about edelgard's talk of freeing fodlan from the tyranny of the church and its false history. he fought for her vision and believed wholeheartedly in her goals. but with everything that's happened since then, their campaign through faerghus...somewhere along the line, he lost the thread. the war is no longer a cause for him. just a job.]
I've had my fill of royals and their lofty ideals. Of pretending that cutting down foes in the name of the Empire is any different than doing so for pay. If that's worrisome to you, so be it.
No, I meant it's worrisome in the sense that any news coming from you from far away is always going to be delayed. It's not like you're easy to get hold of.
[ nor is the continent small enough that such things were easy to maintain. he sighs. ]
...hmph. I doubt there will be any news worth hearing anyway.
[but he does know what sylvain means. and he didn't originally bring this up in a backhanded attempt to get sylvain to go with him, but now that they've reached the 'keep in touch' part of the conversation, felix realizes that must have been what he wanted, because hearing sylvain just accept this without offering has him feeling sour.]
You're really going to stay here? And do what, become some bureaucrat?
Family. Please. Why you of all people would want a family, I'll never understand.
[he scowls, dull-eyed, and focuses on the dim path ahead rather than look at sylvain.]
But if you really want to play politician and pass on your Crest, I won't stop you.
[he's aware of how low a blow that is. he can't even say he doesn't care. he's just lashing out, like he always does, because sylvain was the one person he had left and as soon as the war ends, he'll lose that, too. then he really will be the 'lone wolf' that everyone used to call him.
[ sylvain winces at those words. ] Come now. You know it's not like that, for me. And if Edelgard has her way it wouldn't even matter which one of my children will get the crest at all.
It's just something I've been thinking more and more of as this war goes on. I want a place to return to and become myself. And maybe not be so lonely.
If you're leaving, there's not much else I can be with who remembers what the past was like, before. I can't really call the Emperor a close friend. [ he makes it sound like a concession, he supposes, but sylvain is more earnest than that, which doesn't always come out honestly, but here it was. ] At some point the war will end. I'm just thinking of a future.
[a place to return to and become myself. felix isn't sure there is a 'himself' to become anymore, for his own part. and maybe not be so lonely. well, of course; felix isn't exactly good company, is he?]
I don't want to remember what the past was like. And I don't understand why you do.
[felix says that, but in all honesty, isn't the reason he wants to leave it all behind because if he stays, the past will haunt him forever? he wants to run from it, because he can't move past it the way sylvain is describing. he doesn't know how. and he has no interest in making any more friends than the one he still has, and he doesn't really want to examine why that is.]
...a future, huh? Hmph. Well, I suppose there's still time to decide. Though you know I'm not usually one to change my mind.
[not usually. leaving a caveat by which sylvain might--might--convince him. he isn't sure whether he wants to be convinced, but the thought of being completely alone chills him. so, fraldarius, you want to leave the past behind and cling the last remnants of it that exist in this world?
Between the two of us, who are the only ones remaining from that past - somebody has to, other than Edelgard. We owe it to the dead.
[ that's what he believes, anyway. sylvain sighs when felix continues, and answers him with a tired voice - ]
... I know. You're stubborn that way.
But I'll have you know, my children will know you as "Uncle Felix" and I don't want disappointment in their future if you never come and visit at least once a month.
Ugh. Now you sound like my old man. We owe the dead nothing.
[this talk of owing the dead sours felix's already sour mood enough that when sylvain suddenly lightens things, it takes him completely off-guard. maybe that was sylvain's intention, who knows? but he's surprised enough that he actually manages a chuckle.]
no subject
Date: 2021-06-14 11:40 am (UTC)sylvain said they would speak at this little funeral of theirs. say things they couldn't say before. but felix has no idea what he wants to say, or what he even has to say that hasn't already been said. he hates talking about these things, anyway. it's so much easier to just try to bury them. though sylvain seems to think they'll have to talk before they can bury, and what does felix actually know about moving past grief? evidently, not nearly as much as he thought.
but he follows sylvain through the darkness and into the trees until they stop where the ground is spongy and soggy. his night vision is decent, but even he can barely see anything, here. he'd taken the shovel so that sylvain would carry the box, so he wastes little time in moving past sylvain and poking at the ground in a few places before he finds what he thinks is the best spot and starts digging.
it's good to have something physical to do, so he's not just standing around with his stupid thoughts.]
How deep do you want this hole to be?
no subject
Date: 2021-06-15 01:08 am (UTC)[ if some thief tries to unearth it, he hardly thinks there's anything in the box worth of value that they'd be able to sell, but he's more worried about burrowing animals that could accidentally ruin it for them.
sylvain takes piece of branch and breaks it, sharpens the end with a dagger. this will be their marker. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-06-16 06:39 am (UTC)he pauses every so often for sylvain to check the depth with the marker he made, until they deem the hole deep enough. felix tosses the shovel aside and folds his arms. he hopes sylvain doesn't expect him to say much. or go first. or...pray, or whatever.]
Your turn.
gomen work killed me
Date: 2021-06-18 09:10 pm (UTC)[ he doesn't really know what else to do, if there's some sort of ceremony involved with these things. but for what it's worth, he takes out his handkerchief and wraps the small box in it, and places it carefully in the hole that felix has dug.
he sits cross-legged on the dirt, and thinks about what to say. finally, he settles with, ]
I guess I'll go first.
To Miklan, whom I never got along with, you are always in my thoughts along with all of the regrets I've had since we were children.
.... to Ingrid, I wish you listened to me. [ a mirthless laugh. ] I guess it doesn't matter now. Whatever compelled you to stay, I ... I hope it made you happy in the end. Even if it's hard.
... Dimitri, you - [ his voice catches, and then he starts crying.
it's awful. he wasn't expecting it. it just wells up in him like a storm; first like lead, then bile at the back of his throat, the experience frustrating, and humiliating. ] - you would've made a good king. And I still believe that. It didn't have to be like this, but -
[ but nothing. he had lost. they won. what other excuse does he have.
he didn't realize it was going to be this hard, and he doesn't finish his eulogies. sylvain wipes his face with the back of his hand and is quiet for a while as he whimpers like a child, because he doesn't know what else to say. ]
no worries!
Date: 2021-06-19 09:25 am (UTC)that's when he sits beside sylvain in the dirt and speaks quietly.]
...Ingrid. You never figured out how to get over mourning Glenn any more than I did. I think you stayed for what you swore in his memory, and I think it was stupid and self-destructive, and you should have come with us. You should be here with us. ...but I suppose you'll see Glenn before I will. And who knows, maybe that was the point.
[he stares into the hole where the little box sits, so innocuously judging him. a part of him wants to retrieve it and smash it to bits. he doesn't.]
Father.
[he pauses there to will the ice he built around his heart when it came to Rodrigue to stay frozen firmly. sylvain isn't the only one who didn't realize it was going to be this hard; but felix fears that if he does start, he'll never stop, just pouring a decade's worth of rage and misery and spite into the hole until it's overflowing.
he goes on anyway.]
You...tried to kill your own son. For living and fighting for what I believed in. All that time you wanted me to fall in line and be a good little knight for you, you never saw me at all. You saw the Glenn-shaped child you wanted and you tried to mold me to fit. I never would have, even if I had stayed. So you...
[his breath hitches and his throat tightens and he knows what comes next, because it used to happen to him all the time. it's almost painfully familiar. he pulls his knees up close to his chest and wraps his arms around them, staring into the darkness of the makeshift grave and letting the tears spill over even as he fights to keep his voice even.]
You wrote me off in favor of Dimitri and washed your hands of me. And I suppose that's why you were prepared to run me through. I had become just another...another duty to you, another family mess for you to clean up. Well, there is no more family now. There's just me.
As for the boar...
[he shakes his head, swallowing that insult along with his pride. he was foolish to think he had nothing left to say; to think he wouldn't find the words. he suspects now that he could speak forever and still never run out.]
Dimitri. When we were children, I would have done anything for you. I was ready to walk the Fraldarius path, training for the day when I could happily give my life for your sake. And now here I am, blubbering like a saints-damned fool, for your sake. No matter how far I run from Faerghus, no matter how many people I betray or oaths I break, or how much blood I spill, you still won't leave me be. I can't--I refuse to live in your shadow anymore. You're dead, so...just...just stay dead and let me live in peace, you bastard.
[he sniffles, just once, and in the silence that remains he turns his face up to the rain and closes his eyes.]
Re: no worries!
Date: 2021-06-20 12:05 am (UTC)[ all of those words, from a man who never liked funerals nor talking, and sylvain feels like his mind is unspooling ever so slowly under grief.
even felix is affected, and how can he not be? this is the only way the two of them can say good bye now. there's something cowardly about it to him. but how else would they say such words to the people they care for? it's already too late now and it was still too late then when they were in battle and have seen each other with fear in their eyes as if meeting each other again for the first time, and it was too late to save anyone.
are they free? who knows what that means now. sometimes sylvain wishes he was with the knights of seiros, because at least, if they die, someone can sweetly lie to them that there was a version of peace they can believe in no matter how brutal the war is.
barring all of that, all they have is dirt and suffering. sylvain wipes his eyes with the back of his hand and grabs the shovel. if there's nothing else, he'll do the honours and bury the box. it's his turn now. his hands are shaking and he feels numb. this was a mistake, he thinks; and he was hoping, foolishly, that he'd feel lighter. better. guilt-free. but he doesn't, his heart is heavy and his head aches and he digs. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-06-20 08:18 am (UTC)he sits motionless and lets the rain rinse the tears from his face while sylvain buries the box. he wants to think that each shovelful of dirt is burying memories and feelings along with it. he's always had too many feelings, and they've always been too strong. he tried to shove them back behind a wall of thorns, but he knows now that all he did was let them multiply. he has to get rid of them, once and for all. leave them here in this hole so that when they walk away from this place, he can leave it all behind for good.
letting himself feel anything was maybe the biggest mistake he's ever made.
by the time sylvain's finished filling in the hole and tamping down the muddy earth, felix has gotten to his feet and turned his back on the unmarked grave.]
You're sure you have nothing left to say? I'm not coming back here later if you change your mind.
no subject
Date: 2021-06-20 08:05 pm (UTC)[ sylvain takes a piece of stick and buries it over as a makeshift marker. not that they intend to come back anymore; he doesn't intend to make this a habit.
it's embarrassing, to have been rendered so vulnerable in front of a grave that isn't even quite real. and he can't say that he's said everything he needs to, there's likely more that he would like. but that's enough of that. no need to become martyrs over their shared grief. ]
In any case, they're probably looking for us. We should return.
no subject
Date: 2021-06-22 03:45 am (UTC)Right.
[he's mostly silent on the way back, until he speaks abruptly:]
Sylvain. When we're finished here. Where do you plan to go?
no subject
Date: 2021-06-24 02:49 pm (UTC)There's the war to think of, I still have a job to do.
[ whomever thought it was a good idea to put so much responsibility on him ought to be fired. it's probably hubert, and he won't ever tell that to his face, but the sentiment remains the same. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-06-28 04:17 am (UTC)[Felix has no intention of leaving before the war's end, either, but he certainly doesn't plan to stick around in Enbarr, either. Or in Fraldarius, for that matter, even if Edelgard did want to keep the territorial boundaries intact for administrative purposes.]
...I was thinking of leaving Fodlan.
no subject
Date: 2021-06-29 12:51 am (UTC)You can't be serious. What for? Where will you go?
no subject
Date: 2021-06-29 01:06 am (UTC)[He shrugs.]
Anywhere that isn't here. I can make plenty of gold as a mercenary.
no subject
Date: 2021-07-02 07:46 pm (UTC)Did you admire her that much?
[ which is understandable, he supposed, but he's also keeping the tone light because he knows felix is serious. he doesn't fit well in this structure, anyway - sylvain seeks order despite his personality, but felix has always felt like a lone wolf since he realized who he wanted to be, and growing up and working towards that kind of man.
it's admirable, in a way. sylvain would never do it. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-07-02 08:45 pm (UTC)[there certainly is a lot to admire. her skill alone speaks volumes of her prowess, but it isn't only that. she's never confined by meaningless codes or standards, and she answers to no one. she's a force of nature on the battlefield. but mostly--]
As a mercenary, she had a hunger for victory that most soldiers lack. I find myself lacking as well, lately.
no subject
Date: 2021-07-03 01:44 am (UTC)[ perhaps there are different kinds of victory here, with felix weighing one after the other and deciding which one to invest in like a judge. ]
You're going to make me worry like that.
no subject
Date: 2021-07-03 03:14 am (UTC)[when they first joined the imperial army, felix did feel strongly about edelgard's talk of freeing fodlan from the tyranny of the church and its false history. he fought for her vision and believed wholeheartedly in her goals. but with everything that's happened since then, their campaign through faerghus...somewhere along the line, he lost the thread. the war is no longer a cause for him. just a job.]
I've had my fill of royals and their lofty ideals. Of pretending that cutting down foes in the name of the Empire is any different than doing so for pay. If that's worrisome to you, so be it.
no subject
Date: 2021-07-03 05:44 pm (UTC)[ nor is the continent small enough that such things were easy to maintain. he sighs. ]
Well, I won't stop you. But do keep in touch.
no subject
Date: 2021-07-04 06:50 am (UTC)[but he does know what sylvain means. and he didn't originally bring this up in a backhanded attempt to get sylvain to go with him, but now that they've reached the 'keep in touch' part of the conversation, felix realizes that must have been what he wanted, because hearing sylvain just accept this without offering has him feeling sour.]
You're really going to stay here? And do what, become some bureaucrat?
no subject
Date: 2021-07-08 12:05 am (UTC)I'll be different from Miklan, or my father. I'll be better now.
But I can't just go around like a vagabond. At some point in my short life, I'd like to have a family too.
[ maybe. possibly. if his luck with women ever changes. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-07-08 03:02 am (UTC)Family. Please. Why you of all people would want a family, I'll never understand.
[he scowls, dull-eyed, and focuses on the dim path ahead rather than look at sylvain.]
But if you really want to play politician and pass on your Crest, I won't stop you.
[he's aware of how low a blow that is. he can't even say he doesn't care. he's just lashing out, like he always does, because sylvain was the one person he had left and as soon as the war ends, he'll lose that, too. then he really will be the 'lone wolf' that everyone used to call him.
he really will be just like the boar, then.]
no subject
Date: 2021-07-10 12:24 am (UTC)It's just something I've been thinking more and more of as this war goes on. I want a place to return to and become myself. And maybe not be so lonely.
If you're leaving, there's not much else I can be with who remembers what the past was like, before. I can't really call the Emperor a close friend. [ he makes it sound like a concession, he supposes, but sylvain is more earnest than that, which doesn't always come out honestly, but here it was. ] At some point the war will end. I'm just thinking of a future.
no subject
Date: 2021-07-10 03:46 am (UTC)I don't want to remember what the past was like. And I don't understand why you do.
[felix says that, but in all honesty, isn't the reason he wants to leave it all behind because if he stays, the past will haunt him forever? he wants to run from it, because he can't move past it the way sylvain is describing. he doesn't know how. and he has no interest in making any more friends than the one he still has, and he doesn't really want to examine why that is.]
...a future, huh? Hmph. Well, I suppose there's still time to decide. Though you know I'm not usually one to change my mind.
[not usually. leaving a caveat by which sylvain might--might--convince him. he isn't sure whether he wants to be convinced, but the thought of being completely alone chills him. so, fraldarius, you want to leave the past behind and cling the last remnants of it that exist in this world?
hypocrite.]
no subject
Date: 2021-07-11 09:20 pm (UTC)[ that's what he believes, anyway. sylvain sighs when felix continues, and answers him with a tired voice - ]
... I know. You're stubborn that way.
But I'll have you know, my children will know you as "Uncle Felix" and I don't want disappointment in their future if you never come and visit at least once a month.
no subject
Date: 2021-07-24 10:15 pm (UTC)[this talk of owing the dead sours felix's already sour mood enough that when sylvain suddenly lightens things, it takes him completely off-guard. maybe that was sylvain's intention, who knows? but he's surprised enough that he actually manages a chuckle.]
Once a month? Don't push your luck, Gautier.
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