No, I meant it's worrisome in the sense that any news coming from you from far away is always going to be delayed. It's not like you're easy to get hold of.
[ nor is the continent small enough that such things were easy to maintain. he sighs. ]
...hmph. I doubt there will be any news worth hearing anyway.
[but he does know what sylvain means. and he didn't originally bring this up in a backhanded attempt to get sylvain to go with him, but now that they've reached the 'keep in touch' part of the conversation, felix realizes that must have been what he wanted, because hearing sylvain just accept this without offering has him feeling sour.]
You're really going to stay here? And do what, become some bureaucrat?
Family. Please. Why you of all people would want a family, I'll never understand.
[he scowls, dull-eyed, and focuses on the dim path ahead rather than look at sylvain.]
But if you really want to play politician and pass on your Crest, I won't stop you.
[he's aware of how low a blow that is. he can't even say he doesn't care. he's just lashing out, like he always does, because sylvain was the one person he had left and as soon as the war ends, he'll lose that, too. then he really will be the 'lone wolf' that everyone used to call him.
[ sylvain winces at those words. ] Come now. You know it's not like that, for me. And if Edelgard has her way it wouldn't even matter which one of my children will get the crest at all.
It's just something I've been thinking more and more of as this war goes on. I want a place to return to and become myself. And maybe not be so lonely.
If you're leaving, there's not much else I can be with who remembers what the past was like, before. I can't really call the Emperor a close friend. [ he makes it sound like a concession, he supposes, but sylvain is more earnest than that, which doesn't always come out honestly, but here it was. ] At some point the war will end. I'm just thinking of a future.
[a place to return to and become myself. felix isn't sure there is a 'himself' to become anymore, for his own part. and maybe not be so lonely. well, of course; felix isn't exactly good company, is he?]
I don't want to remember what the past was like. And I don't understand why you do.
[felix says that, but in all honesty, isn't the reason he wants to leave it all behind because if he stays, the past will haunt him forever? he wants to run from it, because he can't move past it the way sylvain is describing. he doesn't know how. and he has no interest in making any more friends than the one he still has, and he doesn't really want to examine why that is.]
...a future, huh? Hmph. Well, I suppose there's still time to decide. Though you know I'm not usually one to change my mind.
[not usually. leaving a caveat by which sylvain might--might--convince him. he isn't sure whether he wants to be convinced, but the thought of being completely alone chills him. so, fraldarius, you want to leave the past behind and cling the last remnants of it that exist in this world?
Between the two of us, who are the only ones remaining from that past - somebody has to, other than Edelgard. We owe it to the dead.
[ that's what he believes, anyway. sylvain sighs when felix continues, and answers him with a tired voice - ]
... I know. You're stubborn that way.
But I'll have you know, my children will know you as "Uncle Felix" and I don't want disappointment in their future if you never come and visit at least once a month.
Ugh. Now you sound like my old man. We owe the dead nothing.
[this talk of owing the dead sours felix's already sour mood enough that when sylvain suddenly lightens things, it takes him completely off-guard. maybe that was sylvain's intention, who knows? but he's surprised enough that he actually manages a chuckle.]
[only sylvain, felix thinks, could manage to turn a conversation like this into something so...familiar. so normal. he's not entirely sure falling back into this easy back and forth is something he ought to do, but for now he's exhausted and willing to spoil himself with sylvain's company.]
Hmph. If your children forget my name after a few months, they'll be even more foolish than you are.
[how can sylvain even consider children? felix can't imagine it. what would he even do with a child? he doesn't want to be responsible for anyone but himself. besides, he has no intention of marrying anyone. let the fraldarius legacy die, such as it is.
let it die alongside the blaiddyd legacy, where it always belonged.
he tells his own mind to fuck off.]
Fine, I'll at least send a letter once a month. Satisfied?
I'm demanding in-person appearances, Sir. That means you, flesh and blood, appearing on my doorstep so my children can hold your hand and touch your hair and they understand that you're not a bogeyman I just made up so they'll go to bed in time.
[ he should .... probably wonder why this is such a specific scene that sylvain has just come up with but hey. he's got wants and needs. ]
Your children's grubby little hands are not coming anywhere near my hair. Although if you want to invoke my name to make them go to sleep, that's fine by me.
[that is an awfully specific scenario, sylvain. what the hell.
felix trudges through the mud for another few seconds of silence. if sylvain's really this concerned about losing touch with him...ugh. no, forget it. sylvain has made it clear he doesn't intend to live the mercenary life and felix needs to stop being so pathetic about this.]
[ he's quiet for a bit, thinking. and that's always the worst part about sylvain, isn't it, when he starts to think too much. terrible things just come out of it.
he stops walking and then moves in front of felix in a breath. ]
That's no good at all.
[ and then he pins him where he is, with his hands suddenly reaching to grasp him by his shoulders. ]
.... promise me.
[ it's childish, but what can you do? terrible things happen when he thinks about things too deeply. it opens him up to vulnerabilities he'd never thought of, which now lead to this. ]
[felix really should know better than to leave sylvain to think in silence for too long. although apparently, tonight he himself is not much better.
when sylvain stops him in his tracks, he blinks up at him in the gloom. for a second, it seems like he might agree without argument, make a promise right then and there.
but after a moment, he scowls, though he stays where he is. under other circumstances, he might just push past sylvain and drop this subject entirely. tonight is different. tonight feels...raw, and so does felix.]
Why am I the one who has to come back for you? I don't hear you making any promises. Whatever happened to sticking together until we die together, huh, Sylvain? You could come with me, but instead you insist on...on children, and a family, as if that'll make up for the ones we've lost somehow.
[this is childish, too, but felix doesn't care. there is a part of him that does want to make this promise. he sort of hates it. but he isn't walking away.]
I don't need to make promises because I'm sappy enough to keep them! And you're the one leaving. What am I going to do if I go with you? I hate travelling. You're going to complain about me all the time.
And it's not just a matter of making up for the ones we've lost. [ that feels hurtful, actually, but it's childish to tell that to felix. ] I want something for myself; is that such a bad thing?
[felix glances up, makes brief eye contact with sylvain, then looks away.]
You're right, you are a sap. I'm sure I'll complain about you all the time either way.
[but sylvain is right. felix frowns.]
...no, it isn't. It's about time you wanted something for yourself, actually. And at least if you stay here, I won't have to worry about your shoddy training habits getting you killed trying to protect me.
.... can I negotiate for it to be twice a month, especially when there are special occasions?
Like birthdays, festivals, and so on.
[ he's really pushing it. anyway - ] What if in the interests of showing off my shoddy training habits, I get injured. You'll need to be there to stop me.
[it's exasperation and a warning rolled into one.]
You know it takes weeks to get anywhere in the first place. And what the hell would you be doing to get injured in your house full of annoying little brats?
[felix wants to be stubborn. he's made up his mind, he doesn't need sylvain making him second-guess himself. but...
Tch. Already anticipating going that soft, are you?
[he shakes his head, but there's no actual bite to it.
speaking of going soft...what is he supposed to do with this declaration of sylvain's? felix is pathetic - not fifteen minutes after he resolved to empty himself out and leave it all behind in that hole in the ground, and here he is feeling...grateful.
his face pinches and his head bows. he's not stupid enough to ask 'why;' he knows why.]
I...ugh. I don't know. I suppose it wouldn't hurt to...wait a little while. Just to see what comes of all this mindless bloodshed. And then...
[he can't promise to stay, much as he's spent an awful lot of his life making promises to sylvain, because he's also spent all that time keeping them. then again...if he does leave, he will be breaking one, won't he? the most important one.]
[ in higher spirits than before, sylvain proclaims it like felix has promised him the world. it's nothing close to it of course. it's just that felix has promised him the most important thing, which means that whatever comes to them to the end of this war, he can bear with it - because there is a possibility of something better and brighter after it. a family. some chance to love. felix, remaining.
and because it's a night of ridiculous, childish sentiment, felix is going to be hugged. and nobody else does it better than sylvain, who gives nice, firm, warm hugs. even in armor. ]
[it's not settled, felix wants to argue. he said 'we'll see,' that doesn't mean--
but regardless of what he said or meant, sylvain must have heard echoes of a promise in it. felix lifts his head to say something and ends up blinking, startled at the sudden manhandling.]
Sylvain, what--
[he tenses at first - nobody's hugged him, or even really touched him much off the battlefield, in a long time. but much as felix wouldn't admit it aloud, sylvain does give the best hugs, and always has.
even in armor.
felix also wouldn't admit that maybe he needed this tonight. with a resigned sigh, he lifts his arms to wrap them around his best friend, with more gratitude in it than he otherwise knows how to express. does sylvain really mean it when he says he's happy? 'happy' sounds like some distant fairy tale, but here they are, and perhaps happiness isn't the zero sum game it often seems.
he closes his eyes, letting himself have this moment of comfort, just for now.]
[ he'd probably be dead if felix wasn't here, if he was being honest. he can't count the number of times he'd been rescued by sylvain in situations where he could've died or something could've gone worse.
he lets go of him after a while, sylvain smiling at him genially. ]
[the truth is, sylvain's protected him on the battlefield many times, too. too many times for felix's liking.
maybe it really is better if sylvain stops fighting after the war ends. finds something else to live for.
felix isn't sure he can find the same. but sylvain seems to have pried another promise out of him, somehow. so there's that, he supposes. that, and seeing a smile this genuine on his face.]
All right, that's enough. We'd better get back before we both catch pneumonia. Or you hug me again.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2021-07-03 05:44 pm (UTC)[ nor is the continent small enough that such things were easy to maintain. he sighs. ]
Well, I won't stop you. But do keep in touch.
no subject
Date: 2021-07-04 06:50 am (UTC)[but he does know what sylvain means. and he didn't originally bring this up in a backhanded attempt to get sylvain to go with him, but now that they've reached the 'keep in touch' part of the conversation, felix realizes that must have been what he wanted, because hearing sylvain just accept this without offering has him feeling sour.]
You're really going to stay here? And do what, become some bureaucrat?
no subject
Date: 2021-07-08 12:05 am (UTC)I'll be different from Miklan, or my father. I'll be better now.
But I can't just go around like a vagabond. At some point in my short life, I'd like to have a family too.
[ maybe. possibly. if his luck with women ever changes. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-07-08 03:02 am (UTC)Family. Please. Why you of all people would want a family, I'll never understand.
[he scowls, dull-eyed, and focuses on the dim path ahead rather than look at sylvain.]
But if you really want to play politician and pass on your Crest, I won't stop you.
[he's aware of how low a blow that is. he can't even say he doesn't care. he's just lashing out, like he always does, because sylvain was the one person he had left and as soon as the war ends, he'll lose that, too. then he really will be the 'lone wolf' that everyone used to call him.
he really will be just like the boar, then.]
no subject
Date: 2021-07-10 12:24 am (UTC)It's just something I've been thinking more and more of as this war goes on. I want a place to return to and become myself. And maybe not be so lonely.
If you're leaving, there's not much else I can be with who remembers what the past was like, before. I can't really call the Emperor a close friend. [ he makes it sound like a concession, he supposes, but sylvain is more earnest than that, which doesn't always come out honestly, but here it was. ] At some point the war will end. I'm just thinking of a future.
no subject
Date: 2021-07-10 03:46 am (UTC)I don't want to remember what the past was like. And I don't understand why you do.
[felix says that, but in all honesty, isn't the reason he wants to leave it all behind because if he stays, the past will haunt him forever? he wants to run from it, because he can't move past it the way sylvain is describing. he doesn't know how. and he has no interest in making any more friends than the one he still has, and he doesn't really want to examine why that is.]
...a future, huh? Hmph. Well, I suppose there's still time to decide. Though you know I'm not usually one to change my mind.
[not usually. leaving a caveat by which sylvain might--might--convince him. he isn't sure whether he wants to be convinced, but the thought of being completely alone chills him. so, fraldarius, you want to leave the past behind and cling the last remnants of it that exist in this world?
hypocrite.]
no subject
Date: 2021-07-11 09:20 pm (UTC)[ that's what he believes, anyway. sylvain sighs when felix continues, and answers him with a tired voice - ]
... I know. You're stubborn that way.
But I'll have you know, my children will know you as "Uncle Felix" and I don't want disappointment in their future if you never come and visit at least once a month.
no subject
Date: 2021-07-24 10:15 pm (UTC)[this talk of owing the dead sours felix's already sour mood enough that when sylvain suddenly lightens things, it takes him completely off-guard. maybe that was sylvain's intention, who knows? but he's surprised enough that he actually manages a chuckle.]
Once a month? Don't push your luck, Gautier.
no subject
Date: 2021-07-25 02:58 am (UTC)Once a month isn't pushing it, Felix! That's enough for everyone involved to know your name and figure out that you're still alive, come on.
no subject
Date: 2021-07-25 03:48 am (UTC)Hmph. If your children forget my name after a few months, they'll be even more foolish than you are.
[how can sylvain even consider children? felix can't imagine it. what would he even do with a child? he doesn't want to be responsible for anyone but himself. besides, he has no intention of marrying anyone. let the fraldarius legacy die, such as it is.
let it die alongside the blaiddyd legacy, where it always belonged.
he tells his own mind to fuck off.]
Fine, I'll at least send a letter once a month. Satisfied?
no subject
Date: 2021-07-25 08:13 pm (UTC)A letter. You mock me.
I'm demanding in-person appearances, Sir. That means you, flesh and blood, appearing on my doorstep so my children can hold your hand and touch your hair and they understand that you're not a bogeyman I just made up so they'll go to bed in time.
[ he should .... probably wonder why this is such a specific scene that sylvain has just come up with but hey. he's got wants and needs. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-07-26 05:38 am (UTC)Your children's grubby little hands are not coming anywhere near my hair. Although if you want to invoke my name to make them go to sleep, that's fine by me.
[that is an awfully specific scenario, sylvain. what the hell.
felix trudges through the mud for another few seconds of silence. if sylvain's really this concerned about losing touch with him...ugh. no, forget it. sylvain has made it clear he doesn't intend to live the mercenary life and felix needs to stop being so pathetic about this.]
I'll think about it.
no subject
Date: 2021-07-26 11:51 pm (UTC)he stops walking and then moves in front of felix in a breath. ]
That's no good at all.
[ and then he pins him where he is, with his hands suddenly reaching to grasp him by his shoulders. ]
.... promise me.
[ it's childish, but what can you do? terrible things happen when he thinks about things too deeply. it opens him up to vulnerabilities he'd never thought of, which now lead to this. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-07-27 02:16 am (UTC)when sylvain stops him in his tracks, he blinks up at him in the gloom. for a second, it seems like he might agree without argument, make a promise right then and there.
but after a moment, he scowls, though he stays where he is. under other circumstances, he might just push past sylvain and drop this subject entirely. tonight is different. tonight feels...raw, and so does felix.]
Why am I the one who has to come back for you? I don't hear you making any promises. Whatever happened to sticking together until we die together, huh, Sylvain? You could come with me, but instead you insist on...on children, and a family, as if that'll make up for the ones we've lost somehow.
[this is childish, too, but felix doesn't care. there is a part of him that does want to make this promise. he sort of hates it. but he isn't walking away.]
no subject
Date: 2021-07-28 11:46 pm (UTC)And it's not just a matter of making up for the ones we've lost. [ that feels hurtful, actually, but it's childish to tell that to felix. ] I want something for myself; is that such a bad thing?
no subject
Date: 2021-07-29 03:22 am (UTC)You're right, you are a sap. I'm sure I'll complain about you all the time either way.
[but sylvain is right. felix frowns.]
...no, it isn't. It's about time you wanted something for yourself, actually. And at least if you stay here, I won't have to worry about your shoddy training habits getting you killed trying to protect me.
[he sighs.]
Fine. I promise. Once a month. Happy now?
no subject
Date: 2021-08-01 02:23 am (UTC)Like birthdays, festivals, and so on.
[ he's really pushing it. anyway - ] What if in the interests of showing off my shoddy training habits, I get injured. You'll need to be there to stop me.
no subject
Date: 2021-08-01 06:39 am (UTC)[it's exasperation and a warning rolled into one.]
You know it takes weeks to get anywhere in the first place. And what the hell would you be doing to get injured in your house full of annoying little brats?
[felix wants to be stubborn. he's made up his mind, he doesn't need sylvain making him second-guess himself. but...
his voice lowers.]
You really want me to stay that badly, huh.
no subject
Date: 2021-08-01 05:20 pm (UTC)[ what is that question? sylvain folds his arms over his chest, looking at him seriously. ]
... of course I do.
no subject
Date: 2021-08-02 08:02 am (UTC)[he shakes his head, but there's no actual bite to it.
speaking of going soft...what is he supposed to do with this declaration of sylvain's? felix is pathetic - not fifteen minutes after he resolved to empty himself out and leave it all behind in that hole in the ground, and here he is feeling...grateful.
his face pinches and his head bows. he's not stupid enough to ask 'why;' he knows why.]
I...ugh. I don't know. I suppose it wouldn't hurt to...wait a little while. Just to see what comes of all this mindless bloodshed. And then...
[he can't promise to stay, much as he's spent an awful lot of his life making promises to sylvain, because he's also spent all that time keeping them. then again...if he does leave, he will be breaking one, won't he? the most important one.]
...then we'll see.
no subject
Date: 2021-08-02 09:15 pm (UTC)[ in higher spirits than before, sylvain proclaims it like felix has promised him the world. it's nothing close to it of course. it's just that felix has promised him the most important thing, which means that whatever comes to them to the end of this war, he can bear with it - because there is a possibility of something better and brighter after it. a family. some chance to love. felix, remaining.
and because it's a night of ridiculous, childish sentiment, felix is going to be hugged. and nobody else does it better than sylvain, who gives nice, firm, warm hugs. even in armor. ]
I'm so happy.
no subject
Date: 2021-08-05 06:09 am (UTC)but regardless of what he said or meant, sylvain must have heard echoes of a promise in it. felix lifts his head to say something and ends up blinking, startled at the sudden manhandling.]
Sylvain, what--
[he tenses at first - nobody's hugged him, or even really touched him much off the battlefield, in a long time. but much as felix wouldn't admit it aloud, sylvain does give the best hugs, and always has.
even in armor.
felix also wouldn't admit that maybe he needed this tonight. with a resigned sigh, he lifts his arms to wrap them around his best friend, with more gratitude in it than he otherwise knows how to express. does sylvain really mean it when he says he's happy? 'happy' sounds like some distant fairy tale, but here they are, and perhaps happiness isn't the zero sum game it often seems.
he closes his eyes, letting himself have this moment of comfort, just for now.]
You're an incurable fool, is what you are.
no subject
Date: 2021-08-08 04:19 pm (UTC)[ he'd probably be dead if felix wasn't here, if he was being honest. he can't count the number of times he'd been rescued by sylvain in situations where he could've died or something could've gone worse.
he lets go of him after a while, sylvain smiling at him genially. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-08-08 11:11 pm (UTC)[the truth is, sylvain's protected him on the battlefield many times, too. too many times for felix's liking.
maybe it really is better if sylvain stops fighting after the war ends. finds something else to live for.
felix isn't sure he can find the same. but sylvain seems to have pried another promise out of him, somehow. so there's that, he supposes. that, and seeing a smile this genuine on his face.]
All right, that's enough. We'd better get back before we both catch pneumonia. Or you hug me again.