[felix can't guess at what sylvain was going to say, but he's hardly going to press the issue. he's not sure he really wants to know.
he sits motionless and lets the rain rinse the tears from his face while sylvain buries the box. he wants to think that each shovelful of dirt is burying memories and feelings along with it. he's always had too many feelings, and they've always been too strong. he tried to shove them back behind a wall of thorns, but he knows now that all he did was let them multiply. he has to get rid of them, once and for all. leave them here in this hole so that when they walk away from this place, he can leave it all behind for good.
letting himself feel anything was maybe the biggest mistake he's ever made.
by the time sylvain's finished filling in the hole and tamping down the muddy earth, felix has gotten to his feet and turned his back on the unmarked grave.]
You're sure you have nothing left to say? I'm not coming back here later if you change your mind.
[ sylvain takes a piece of stick and buries it over as a makeshift marker. not that they intend to come back anymore; he doesn't intend to make this a habit.
it's embarrassing, to have been rendered so vulnerable in front of a grave that isn't even quite real. and he can't say that he's said everything he needs to, there's likely more that he would like. but that's enough of that. no need to become martyrs over their shared grief. ]
In any case, they're probably looking for us. We should return.
There's the war to think of, I still have a job to do.
[ whomever thought it was a good idea to put so much responsibility on him ought to be fired. it's probably hubert, and he won't ever tell that to his face, but the sentiment remains the same. ]
[Felix has no intention of leaving before the war's end, either, but he certainly doesn't plan to stick around in Enbarr, either. Or in Fraldarius, for that matter, even if Edelgard did want to keep the territorial boundaries intact for administrative purposes.]
Leaving. [ sylvain repeats after him, feeling dumb as he says it, like he can't believe he's suggesting this to him now. after the war? just walking away from it all? ]
You can't be serious. What for? Where will you go?
[ which is understandable, he supposed, but he's also keeping the tone light because he knows felix is serious. he doesn't fit well in this structure, anyway - sylvain seeks order despite his personality, but felix has always felt like a lone wolf since he realized who he wanted to be, and growing up and working towards that kind of man.
it's admirable, in a way. sylvain would never do it. ]
[there certainly is a lot to admire. her skill alone speaks volumes of her prowess, but it isn't only that. she's never confined by meaningless codes or standards, and she answers to no one. she's a force of nature on the battlefield. but mostly--]
As a mercenary, she had a hunger for victory that most soldiers lack. I find myself lacking as well, lately.
[when they first joined the imperial army, felix did feel strongly about edelgard's talk of freeing fodlan from the tyranny of the church and its false history. he fought for her vision and believed wholeheartedly in her goals. but with everything that's happened since then, their campaign through faerghus...somewhere along the line, he lost the thread. the war is no longer a cause for him. just a job.]
I've had my fill of royals and their lofty ideals. Of pretending that cutting down foes in the name of the Empire is any different than doing so for pay. If that's worrisome to you, so be it.
No, I meant it's worrisome in the sense that any news coming from you from far away is always going to be delayed. It's not like you're easy to get hold of.
[ nor is the continent small enough that such things were easy to maintain. he sighs. ]
...hmph. I doubt there will be any news worth hearing anyway.
[but he does know what sylvain means. and he didn't originally bring this up in a backhanded attempt to get sylvain to go with him, but now that they've reached the 'keep in touch' part of the conversation, felix realizes that must have been what he wanted, because hearing sylvain just accept this without offering has him feeling sour.]
You're really going to stay here? And do what, become some bureaucrat?
Family. Please. Why you of all people would want a family, I'll never understand.
[he scowls, dull-eyed, and focuses on the dim path ahead rather than look at sylvain.]
But if you really want to play politician and pass on your Crest, I won't stop you.
[he's aware of how low a blow that is. he can't even say he doesn't care. he's just lashing out, like he always does, because sylvain was the one person he had left and as soon as the war ends, he'll lose that, too. then he really will be the 'lone wolf' that everyone used to call him.
[ sylvain winces at those words. ] Come now. You know it's not like that, for me. And if Edelgard has her way it wouldn't even matter which one of my children will get the crest at all.
It's just something I've been thinking more and more of as this war goes on. I want a place to return to and become myself. And maybe not be so lonely.
If you're leaving, there's not much else I can be with who remembers what the past was like, before. I can't really call the Emperor a close friend. [ he makes it sound like a concession, he supposes, but sylvain is more earnest than that, which doesn't always come out honestly, but here it was. ] At some point the war will end. I'm just thinking of a future.
[a place to return to and become myself. felix isn't sure there is a 'himself' to become anymore, for his own part. and maybe not be so lonely. well, of course; felix isn't exactly good company, is he?]
I don't want to remember what the past was like. And I don't understand why you do.
[felix says that, but in all honesty, isn't the reason he wants to leave it all behind because if he stays, the past will haunt him forever? he wants to run from it, because he can't move past it the way sylvain is describing. he doesn't know how. and he has no interest in making any more friends than the one he still has, and he doesn't really want to examine why that is.]
...a future, huh? Hmph. Well, I suppose there's still time to decide. Though you know I'm not usually one to change my mind.
[not usually. leaving a caveat by which sylvain might--might--convince him. he isn't sure whether he wants to be convinced, but the thought of being completely alone chills him. so, fraldarius, you want to leave the past behind and cling the last remnants of it that exist in this world?
Between the two of us, who are the only ones remaining from that past - somebody has to, other than Edelgard. We owe it to the dead.
[ that's what he believes, anyway. sylvain sighs when felix continues, and answers him with a tired voice - ]
... I know. You're stubborn that way.
But I'll have you know, my children will know you as "Uncle Felix" and I don't want disappointment in their future if you never come and visit at least once a month.
Ugh. Now you sound like my old man. We owe the dead nothing.
[this talk of owing the dead sours felix's already sour mood enough that when sylvain suddenly lightens things, it takes him completely off-guard. maybe that was sylvain's intention, who knows? but he's surprised enough that he actually manages a chuckle.]
[only sylvain, felix thinks, could manage to turn a conversation like this into something so...familiar. so normal. he's not entirely sure falling back into this easy back and forth is something he ought to do, but for now he's exhausted and willing to spoil himself with sylvain's company.]
Hmph. If your children forget my name after a few months, they'll be even more foolish than you are.
[how can sylvain even consider children? felix can't imagine it. what would he even do with a child? he doesn't want to be responsible for anyone but himself. besides, he has no intention of marrying anyone. let the fraldarius legacy die, such as it is.
let it die alongside the blaiddyd legacy, where it always belonged.
he tells his own mind to fuck off.]
Fine, I'll at least send a letter once a month. Satisfied?
I'm demanding in-person appearances, Sir. That means you, flesh and blood, appearing on my doorstep so my children can hold your hand and touch your hair and they understand that you're not a bogeyman I just made up so they'll go to bed in time.
[ he should .... probably wonder why this is such a specific scene that sylvain has just come up with but hey. he's got wants and needs. ]
Your children's grubby little hands are not coming anywhere near my hair. Although if you want to invoke my name to make them go to sleep, that's fine by me.
[that is an awfully specific scenario, sylvain. what the hell.
felix trudges through the mud for another few seconds of silence. if sylvain's really this concerned about losing touch with him...ugh. no, forget it. sylvain has made it clear he doesn't intend to live the mercenary life and felix needs to stop being so pathetic about this.]
[ he's quiet for a bit, thinking. and that's always the worst part about sylvain, isn't it, when he starts to think too much. terrible things just come out of it.
he stops walking and then moves in front of felix in a breath. ]
That's no good at all.
[ and then he pins him where he is, with his hands suddenly reaching to grasp him by his shoulders. ]
.... promise me.
[ it's childish, but what can you do? terrible things happen when he thinks about things too deeply. it opens him up to vulnerabilities he'd never thought of, which now lead to this. ]
[felix really should know better than to leave sylvain to think in silence for too long. although apparently, tonight he himself is not much better.
when sylvain stops him in his tracks, he blinks up at him in the gloom. for a second, it seems like he might agree without argument, make a promise right then and there.
but after a moment, he scowls, though he stays where he is. under other circumstances, he might just push past sylvain and drop this subject entirely. tonight is different. tonight feels...raw, and so does felix.]
Why am I the one who has to come back for you? I don't hear you making any promises. Whatever happened to sticking together until we die together, huh, Sylvain? You could come with me, but instead you insist on...on children, and a family, as if that'll make up for the ones we've lost somehow.
[this is childish, too, but felix doesn't care. there is a part of him that does want to make this promise. he sort of hates it. but he isn't walking away.]
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2021-06-20 08:18 am (UTC)he sits motionless and lets the rain rinse the tears from his face while sylvain buries the box. he wants to think that each shovelful of dirt is burying memories and feelings along with it. he's always had too many feelings, and they've always been too strong. he tried to shove them back behind a wall of thorns, but he knows now that all he did was let them multiply. he has to get rid of them, once and for all. leave them here in this hole so that when they walk away from this place, he can leave it all behind for good.
letting himself feel anything was maybe the biggest mistake he's ever made.
by the time sylvain's finished filling in the hole and tamping down the muddy earth, felix has gotten to his feet and turned his back on the unmarked grave.]
You're sure you have nothing left to say? I'm not coming back here later if you change your mind.
no subject
Date: 2021-06-20 08:05 pm (UTC)[ sylvain takes a piece of stick and buries it over as a makeshift marker. not that they intend to come back anymore; he doesn't intend to make this a habit.
it's embarrassing, to have been rendered so vulnerable in front of a grave that isn't even quite real. and he can't say that he's said everything he needs to, there's likely more that he would like. but that's enough of that. no need to become martyrs over their shared grief. ]
In any case, they're probably looking for us. We should return.
no subject
Date: 2021-06-22 03:45 am (UTC)Right.
[he's mostly silent on the way back, until he speaks abruptly:]
Sylvain. When we're finished here. Where do you plan to go?
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Date: 2021-06-24 02:49 pm (UTC)There's the war to think of, I still have a job to do.
[ whomever thought it was a good idea to put so much responsibility on him ought to be fired. it's probably hubert, and he won't ever tell that to his face, but the sentiment remains the same. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-06-28 04:17 am (UTC)[Felix has no intention of leaving before the war's end, either, but he certainly doesn't plan to stick around in Enbarr, either. Or in Fraldarius, for that matter, even if Edelgard did want to keep the territorial boundaries intact for administrative purposes.]
...I was thinking of leaving Fodlan.
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Date: 2021-06-29 12:51 am (UTC)You can't be serious. What for? Where will you go?
no subject
Date: 2021-06-29 01:06 am (UTC)[He shrugs.]
Anywhere that isn't here. I can make plenty of gold as a mercenary.
no subject
Date: 2021-07-02 07:46 pm (UTC)Did you admire her that much?
[ which is understandable, he supposed, but he's also keeping the tone light because he knows felix is serious. he doesn't fit well in this structure, anyway - sylvain seeks order despite his personality, but felix has always felt like a lone wolf since he realized who he wanted to be, and growing up and working towards that kind of man.
it's admirable, in a way. sylvain would never do it. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-07-02 08:45 pm (UTC)[there certainly is a lot to admire. her skill alone speaks volumes of her prowess, but it isn't only that. she's never confined by meaningless codes or standards, and she answers to no one. she's a force of nature on the battlefield. but mostly--]
As a mercenary, she had a hunger for victory that most soldiers lack. I find myself lacking as well, lately.
no subject
Date: 2021-07-03 01:44 am (UTC)[ perhaps there are different kinds of victory here, with felix weighing one after the other and deciding which one to invest in like a judge. ]
You're going to make me worry like that.
no subject
Date: 2021-07-03 03:14 am (UTC)[when they first joined the imperial army, felix did feel strongly about edelgard's talk of freeing fodlan from the tyranny of the church and its false history. he fought for her vision and believed wholeheartedly in her goals. but with everything that's happened since then, their campaign through faerghus...somewhere along the line, he lost the thread. the war is no longer a cause for him. just a job.]
I've had my fill of royals and their lofty ideals. Of pretending that cutting down foes in the name of the Empire is any different than doing so for pay. If that's worrisome to you, so be it.
no subject
Date: 2021-07-03 05:44 pm (UTC)[ nor is the continent small enough that such things were easy to maintain. he sighs. ]
Well, I won't stop you. But do keep in touch.
no subject
Date: 2021-07-04 06:50 am (UTC)[but he does know what sylvain means. and he didn't originally bring this up in a backhanded attempt to get sylvain to go with him, but now that they've reached the 'keep in touch' part of the conversation, felix realizes that must have been what he wanted, because hearing sylvain just accept this without offering has him feeling sour.]
You're really going to stay here? And do what, become some bureaucrat?
no subject
Date: 2021-07-08 12:05 am (UTC)I'll be different from Miklan, or my father. I'll be better now.
But I can't just go around like a vagabond. At some point in my short life, I'd like to have a family too.
[ maybe. possibly. if his luck with women ever changes. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-07-08 03:02 am (UTC)Family. Please. Why you of all people would want a family, I'll never understand.
[he scowls, dull-eyed, and focuses on the dim path ahead rather than look at sylvain.]
But if you really want to play politician and pass on your Crest, I won't stop you.
[he's aware of how low a blow that is. he can't even say he doesn't care. he's just lashing out, like he always does, because sylvain was the one person he had left and as soon as the war ends, he'll lose that, too. then he really will be the 'lone wolf' that everyone used to call him.
he really will be just like the boar, then.]
no subject
Date: 2021-07-10 12:24 am (UTC)It's just something I've been thinking more and more of as this war goes on. I want a place to return to and become myself. And maybe not be so lonely.
If you're leaving, there's not much else I can be with who remembers what the past was like, before. I can't really call the Emperor a close friend. [ he makes it sound like a concession, he supposes, but sylvain is more earnest than that, which doesn't always come out honestly, but here it was. ] At some point the war will end. I'm just thinking of a future.
no subject
Date: 2021-07-10 03:46 am (UTC)I don't want to remember what the past was like. And I don't understand why you do.
[felix says that, but in all honesty, isn't the reason he wants to leave it all behind because if he stays, the past will haunt him forever? he wants to run from it, because he can't move past it the way sylvain is describing. he doesn't know how. and he has no interest in making any more friends than the one he still has, and he doesn't really want to examine why that is.]
...a future, huh? Hmph. Well, I suppose there's still time to decide. Though you know I'm not usually one to change my mind.
[not usually. leaving a caveat by which sylvain might--might--convince him. he isn't sure whether he wants to be convinced, but the thought of being completely alone chills him. so, fraldarius, you want to leave the past behind and cling the last remnants of it that exist in this world?
hypocrite.]
no subject
Date: 2021-07-11 09:20 pm (UTC)[ that's what he believes, anyway. sylvain sighs when felix continues, and answers him with a tired voice - ]
... I know. You're stubborn that way.
But I'll have you know, my children will know you as "Uncle Felix" and I don't want disappointment in their future if you never come and visit at least once a month.
no subject
Date: 2021-07-24 10:15 pm (UTC)[this talk of owing the dead sours felix's already sour mood enough that when sylvain suddenly lightens things, it takes him completely off-guard. maybe that was sylvain's intention, who knows? but he's surprised enough that he actually manages a chuckle.]
Once a month? Don't push your luck, Gautier.
no subject
Date: 2021-07-25 02:58 am (UTC)Once a month isn't pushing it, Felix! That's enough for everyone involved to know your name and figure out that you're still alive, come on.
no subject
Date: 2021-07-25 03:48 am (UTC)Hmph. If your children forget my name after a few months, they'll be even more foolish than you are.
[how can sylvain even consider children? felix can't imagine it. what would he even do with a child? he doesn't want to be responsible for anyone but himself. besides, he has no intention of marrying anyone. let the fraldarius legacy die, such as it is.
let it die alongside the blaiddyd legacy, where it always belonged.
he tells his own mind to fuck off.]
Fine, I'll at least send a letter once a month. Satisfied?
no subject
Date: 2021-07-25 08:13 pm (UTC)A letter. You mock me.
I'm demanding in-person appearances, Sir. That means you, flesh and blood, appearing on my doorstep so my children can hold your hand and touch your hair and they understand that you're not a bogeyman I just made up so they'll go to bed in time.
[ he should .... probably wonder why this is such a specific scene that sylvain has just come up with but hey. he's got wants and needs. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-07-26 05:38 am (UTC)Your children's grubby little hands are not coming anywhere near my hair. Although if you want to invoke my name to make them go to sleep, that's fine by me.
[that is an awfully specific scenario, sylvain. what the hell.
felix trudges through the mud for another few seconds of silence. if sylvain's really this concerned about losing touch with him...ugh. no, forget it. sylvain has made it clear he doesn't intend to live the mercenary life and felix needs to stop being so pathetic about this.]
I'll think about it.
no subject
Date: 2021-07-26 11:51 pm (UTC)he stops walking and then moves in front of felix in a breath. ]
That's no good at all.
[ and then he pins him where he is, with his hands suddenly reaching to grasp him by his shoulders. ]
.... promise me.
[ it's childish, but what can you do? terrible things happen when he thinks about things too deeply. it opens him up to vulnerabilities he'd never thought of, which now lead to this. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-07-27 02:16 am (UTC)when sylvain stops him in his tracks, he blinks up at him in the gloom. for a second, it seems like he might agree without argument, make a promise right then and there.
but after a moment, he scowls, though he stays where he is. under other circumstances, he might just push past sylvain and drop this subject entirely. tonight is different. tonight feels...raw, and so does felix.]
Why am I the one who has to come back for you? I don't hear you making any promises. Whatever happened to sticking together until we die together, huh, Sylvain? You could come with me, but instead you insist on...on children, and a family, as if that'll make up for the ones we've lost somehow.
[this is childish, too, but felix doesn't care. there is a part of him that does want to make this promise. he sort of hates it. but he isn't walking away.]
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