IC: @victory_road Pokégear inbox

[bestswordmaster]

Sylvain said I needed to record something to tell you to leave a message, even though if you're bothering to message me in the first place you already know what you're supposed to do, so this is pointless. So...leave a message, I guess. Maybe I'll get back to you. Maybe I won't.

[beep]

Comments

[gautsome]

aw fe
is there something ur not telling me
should i be jealous?

[bestswordmaster]

what??
what are you talking about you idiot.
I just
feel like I was too late.
with the whole
shield thing.
I don't know.
it's like he replaced us?
shut up I know it sounds stupid.

[gautsome]

ohhhh haha i get it
but yea same
dima... i mean i guess i always really hesitated to get close again
not after everything
always felt like he was so disapproving of me
and now that i let him back in

i dont know guess it feels like im gonna get shut back out?

[bestswordmaster]

he doesn't disapprove of you.
where I'm from I mean.
later in the war.
he relies on you just like we all do.
but I know what you mean.
it
I didn't know if I would ever feel
okay
with him again.
and then I did and yesterday I thought
ugh this is ridiculous.
it was nice.
yesterday was nice.
but grant was here before either of us.
and I guess
he did what we couldn't.
all I ever did was make it worse.
and I won't take back what I said but
the way I said it
I was just
never mind.

[He starts to type something like 'it didn't look like he was shutting you out the other day when he let you touch his face' but he decides against it.]

[gautsome]

we really failed him
didnt we?

[bestswordmaster]

yes.
we did.
guess it's too late now.

[gautsome]

yeah.

[bestswordmaster]

I'm coming back to the inn.
stay there.

[Felix calls the training to a halt and collects his Pokemon before returning to find Sylvain. When he enters their room and drops his bag unceremoniously on a chair, he looks tired. The sort of tired that sleep doesn't fix.]

Hi.

[gautsome]

[Sylvain does as he's told. Truth be told, his bed is one of his only comforts right now, especially now that Felix has decided to stop talking. It's only temporary, but he hates being left alone with his own thoughts.

Right now, they keep straying toward Dimitri. How he had seemed so thrilled when Sylvain had touched him. How good it felt to hold him. It had all been friendly, at least that was what he had thought. But now he worries that it wasn't true.

He sits up all too quickly when Felix comes in.]

Hey. [He opens his arms on instinct. It almost feels wrong to do, like he's trying to use Felix as a replacement. He knows it isn't true, that he loves Felix more than any silly crush he might have.

But he can't shake it.]

Come here.

[bestswordmaster]

[Felix didn't consciously come back to the inn specifically for this--for Sylvain to hold him in his arms--but once the offer is there it feels like a relief. He flops onto the bed and crawls over to curl up close to Sylvain, looking vaguely out the window. At the snow. He doesn't say anything at first, just letting himself be there in this embrace, and involuntarily thinking about when they were children and Felix would run to Sylvain in tears when he argued with the prince...ugh.]

[gautsome]

[This is fine, Sylvain can work with this.

He really hadn't expected Felix to come to him at all. Now that he's here, though, Sylvain can focus on something other than his thoughts. His fingers work up to Felix's hair, letting it down from its usual tie and carefully working his fingers through it. It isn't a perfect job, Sylvain doesn't dare to get up to get a proper brush, but he can still at least tame the mess.]

[bestswordmaster]

[Felix just sits there for a little while, leaning against Sylvain and letting him fix his hair. It feels nice. Eventually, without moving,] I gave Dimitri his gift yesterday. He almost cried, the sap. [There's no venom at all, not even a hint of disdain.] ...he made me a real training sword, and a lance for himself. So we could spar.

[gautsome]

He cares about you. You're a good friend of his.

[Sylvain breathes out. Of course Dimitri cares. Even if they had both failed him, he would still care for them. It was made him such a good king. Beneath all of the trauma, there was a good heart.

Too good for Sylvain, at least.]

The first night I was here, Dimitri went and bought me dinner. A feast, since he thought he had failed me in life. He was always thinking about how much he'd failed us. As if we weren't the ones failing to hold him up.

[bestswordmaster]

It's not as though he doesn't deserve some blame, Sylvain. You haven't seen him truly at his worst. You wouldn't recognize him if you did. And he pushed us away, all throughout the months leading up to Gronder.

But...back at the academy. I was needlessly cruel. I'm sure there was something more useful I could have done, but I couldn't see it. I can't see it now, either. You saw what happened in Goldenrod. I felt like I was going to throw up. I couldn't think straight. I made it worse. No wonder he's--

[Felix falls silent.]

[gautsome]

[He knows it isn't Felix's intention, that he doesn't actively seek to push him away. But he feels those words like a knife, resting firmly next to the one that Grant's revelation had put there.

Sylvain didn't understand. Out of those that had came from Fodlan, Sylvain was the most out of step. He didn't know the worst of what was to come. He didn't know his best friends, not like he should have.

His head droops onto Felix's shoulder. He'd promised not to fake smiles around the other man, but he'd said nothing about hiding himself altogether.]

We didn't know any better. You were still a kid, practically. You both were. We... Didn't know what was going to happen.

[bestswordmaster]

I did know. [There's a little heat in his tone, now.] Obviously not exactly, but I saw him...lose control completely. At our first battle. If it weren't for you, I probably would have done something stupid, like run off alone or...I don't know. And maybe I was a child then, but what's my excuse now?

[He pulls himself further into Sylvain's embrace, not quite into his lap but getting there.]

[gautsome]

I don't know, Felix.

[He feels the man shift, and immediately moves his arms to compensate for it. His fingers work gentle circles down the column of Felix's spine, hoping to provide some sort of distraction. He isn't sure who the distraction is meant to be for, though.

All the while, his head remains firmly pressed downward. That's probably fine.]

[bestswordmaster]

...Sylvain? What are you doing?

[He shifts back again, pulling away a little to move Sylvain's head off of his shoulder so he can cup his hand under the man's chin and tilt it up.]

Why are you hiding?

[gautsome]

Nothing --

[He tries to protest quick enough, but Felix is faster. He can't exactly fight the touch without causing a scene, so he goes with it. After a moment, he opens his eyes, glancing up at Felix. For a moment, the guilt might be evident in his eyes.

But then it slips out. Put on the spot like he is, he defaults to instinct alone. That smile unfurls. It's plastered on almost perfectly, a practiced mask, save for how it fails to do anything about the misery in his eyes.]

I'm fine, Felix. Don't worry about me.

[bestswordmaster]

Sylvain. [It's almost a growl.] I didn't come back here just to blubber at you. Tell me what's wrong. And quit smiling at me like that, I hate it.

[gautsome]

[He has the good sense to not recoil, even as every fiber in his being screams to do so. Felix isn't mad at him, or at least Sylvain hopes that's the case. It's just a frustrating situation for all of them.]

It's like we said, Felix. [He sighs and tries to go back to laying his head on the other man's shoulder. It's hard to talk about it when he's being stared down.] We failed him. And I don't even know how bad I managed to fail him, either.

[bestswordmaster]

[Felix doesn't protest the movement, instead slipping his arms around Sylvain and scooting closer again.] Ask me questions if you want, but there's not much to say. He snarled at everyone who came near him and went on bloody rampages in battle without a shred of tactical intent. He barely slept, barely ate, wouldn't look anyone in the eye, talked to his ghosts more than any of us. All you did was avoid him just like he wanted.

[gautsome]

[Ignoring Dimitri. That sounded like something Sylvain would do. He ignored all of his problems when they bubbled up. And Dimitri... had just become another thorn in his side.

At least, that was what it sounded like.

Five years of missing and mourning him, and this was what Sylvain did.]

I'm sorry.

[bestswordmaster]

If you want to apologize for something you haven't done and won't do now that you're forewarned, apologize to him, not to me. But that's ridiculous. You can't use 'we didn't know better' as an excuse and then blame yourself for something that hasn't happened yet.

[Felix sighs, shifting a hand to bury it in Sylvain's hair.] Hmph. We're both being pathetic. Giving up before anything has even happened.

[gautsome]

[Sylvain chooses not to respond to that. He simply presses into Felix's hand, breathing out a small sigh as he does. Felix is right, they're giving up before they know what's going on.

But then, Felix doesn't know what Sylvain is actually giving up on. If he did, he would be sure to hate Sylvain.]

Guess we'll... just. Have to see how thing go, right?