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[bestswordmaster]

Sylvain said I needed to record something to tell you to leave a message, even though if you're bothering to message me in the first place you already know what you're supposed to do, so this is pointless. So...leave a message, I guess. Maybe I'll get back to you. Maybe I won't.

[beep]

Comments

[gautsome]

[Sylvain smiles, even as his heart seizes. It's... unfair, to think of a time when they were children, not after everything that had happened. It's unfair that Dimitri had struggled to even be a child.

And it's unfair that Sylvain is thinking about all of this now, when it was almost too late to understand what it all meant.]

I -- [love him, is what he wants to say. But the thought of Felix's expression tempers his tongue. Instead, he leans his head all the heavier against the other man, trying once more to hide away.]

I don't want to lose you, okay? Not if I have to lose him, too.

[bestswordmaster]

[...what? What is that supposed to mean? Felix stiffens in Sylvain's grasp, pulling back as far as he can without actually breaking the embrace.]

What the hell are you talking about, Sylvain? You wouldn't mind losing me if--what? If he were here instead? Then it would be just fine with you if I left?

[An invisible hand reaches into his chest and grasps his heart, slowly crushing it. Vividly, he remembers watching Sylvain gently caress their prince's face, touch him like--like a lover would. And...and he remembers the way Dimitri looked at him, at Felix, when he opened his gift, and when he pulled Felix up out of the snow and wrapped him in his strong arms--

And he suddenly feels sick, and much too hot. He should have known. There was no way Sylvain meant all those ridiculous things he said in the forest. No way, after all this time, that Sylvain would suddenly decide he was...interested in Felix. Why would he, when Dimitri is right there and finally coming into his own? How could Sylvain not love him?

Felix tries to pull away fully now, turning his back to Sylvain to sit at the edge of the bed and huddle into himself if Sylvain will let him go. No wonder he didn't want to...go any further together. Felix really was the bigger fool, all along. He sneers.]

So what was all this, then? Just some kind of...practice run? A stepping stone to what you really wanted? Settling for your best friend until you could convince Dimitri to take my place?

[...but he won't cry. He won't. He won't. Please, Goddess, let him hold onto that much control.]

[gautsome]

What --? [Stunned as he is, Sylvain doesn't fight Felix pulling away. He regrets it immediately, not just because he knows he'll add to the doubt that his partner is feeling. He regrets it because there's no way to hide the way his face absolutely crumples.

His horrible reputation was his own fault, really? But it feels... especially vicious, when it's Felix who thinks he could do something like that. The realization curls around his vocal cords like a vice, a chilled hand strangling him and keeping him from saying anything more. It hurts, from his chest down to the tips of his toes, it hurts to hear Felix say that about him.

Deserved or not.]

You really think I would do that?

[His voice comes out as little more than a hushed whisper. It's all he can manage through the tightening of his throat. What had he said all along? That he didn't deserve Felix? And he'd been right. After all he had done, and for him to have the audacity to even think about Dimitri in that light.

This was exactly what he deserved. This was his Goddess given punishment.

He hardly realizes he's speaking again. He doesn't even know if Felix will hear it, with how soft it is.]


Why is it so hard to believe that I could love both of you?

[He wants to run. The soles of his feet itched with the need to pick up and flee the scene. Perhaps this time he could get far enough to not be caught by Dimitri. The last thing he wants is to see Dimitri right now.

So he stays put.]

[bestswordmaster]

[The honest answer is no. No, he doesn't really think Sylvain would do that--not to him. Not after everything they've been through together. But he couldn't think of another explanation for why...why Sylvain would treat losing Dimitri's attention as the same as losing Felix. Why else would that be, unless--?

But Sylvain provides the explanation in the fragile silence that falls, and Felix feels like he suddenly swallowed an ice cube whole. His eyes widen, his breath catches; he feels a little dizzy. So he was right. Sylvain does love Dimitri, and Felix thinks he should be heartbroken. Angry. Right? This should sound like complete nonsense.

But it doesn't quite, because...he knows, deep down, that he's always loved Dimitri too. It felt different, and so he assumed it must be something else--but when he thinks about Dimitri holding him close in the snow, he can't truthfully claim otherwise.

He doesn't move, but he does respond. His voice is smaller and more uncertain than he would have liked. A little choked.]

...no, Sylvain, I...I don't think you would do that. I'm sorry. I just thought...it doesn't matter what I thought.

[He doesn't want to face Sylvain. Eye contact is hard enough at the best of times; now, when he's probably hurt Sylvain more than he ever did even in his most spiteful moments? He thinks he really might actually cry if he has to see that in those warm brown eyes.

But Sylvain deserves better than that. So he takes in a shaky breath and steels himself, before he turns around, even if he can only maintain eye contact for a second before he's looking down.]

And it isn't. Hard to believe. That's not hard to believe because I think...I think I'm the same.

[gautsome]

[There is hurt there, though it's lessened in the slightest by Felix's words. He feels... a touch better, even if it doesn't completely ease the ache in his soul. That Felix could even hurtle such accusations toward him settles uncomfortably in his gut, but he can swallow that down for right now.

He's always been good at swallowing things down, right?

That Felix admits to having loved Dimitri too also stings. Some part of him wonders if it's Felix that's settling for him, a stepping stone until he was ready to approach Dimitri. This thought gets pushed from his mind as quick as possible, Sylvain swallowing that down as well, despite the knives that are still pushing at his throat.

At least he can clarify his own stance.]

It's not that I love you any less. Or that I'm settling. I would never do that to you, Felix, I promise. But -- [He thinks of how Dimitri looked when Sylvain touched his face, gave him even the barest hint of contact.]

Maybe it's for the best that him and Grant are... considering all of that. Makes it easier on us at least, right?

[His laugh is tight, forced even. But at least he's not pretending to smile.]

[bestswordmaster]

I believe you.

[It's firm and sure, not hesitant.] And I don't love you any less either. I want you with me until I die. I always have and I always will. And...

[He's never told Sylvain about Rodrigue's feelings for Lambert. Felix wasn't even supposed to know, but when he was going through Glenn's things after he died, he found a few letters and a journal, and after that a few other signs here and there convinced him. He used to think it was misplaced hero worship--a love not of the man but of his role and their ancient ties. Since then...well. He's not so sure, anymore.]

...if my father could live with only being the king's Shield and advisor, then so can I.

[gautsome]

'Til we die.

[If there's one thing Sylvain can cling to, its that promise. Even if it stings a little, saying that Felix could simply live with this fate. He knows that isn't what he means, knows that it's only the shadows of his mind trying to play awful tricks on him.

He isn't sure what to say about this revelation about Rodrigue. Maybe some part of him aches for the man -- he very nearly knew what unrequited love felt like. Hell, maybe he did, considering what he felt for Dimitri. But he can't say he hates the path life had taken him down.

If he and Rodrigue had been together, then there would be no Dimitri or Felix. That's a fate that he can't bear to stomach.]

You won't be alone. Neither of us will. Ever again.

[bestswordmaster]

Right. Until we die. As far into the future as we can make it.

[Felix doesn't know what Sylvain's thinking, but if he did, he would smack those shadows down into the Eternal Flames where they belong. This time he does simply climb into Sylvain's lap, giving him the perfect position from which to take the other man's face in his hands and press their foreheads together. This is one kind of eye contact he doesn't mind--not when it's Sylvain.]

Don't destroy yourself over Dimitri. He may be...courting, but we've been with him his whole life, and he's not going anywhere without us. We promised him that and we'll fight to keep it, whether he ever knows about...any of this or not.

[gautsome]

[Despite wanting to look away, to wallow in his shame, Sylvain holds Felix's gaze. The moments where he gets to look at Felix, really look at him and be seen in kind, feel as if they are few and far between. He won't forsake this chance, especially not now. Not when he feels like he's only inches from an absolute freefall.

The contact provides more comfort than he can put into words. His breathing, coming dreadfully close to hyperventilation levels, starts to slow once more. His hands settle over Felix's, squeezing them carefully before dragging one down to his lips. Placing a kiss there seems to ground him.]

Should we tell him? [He hardly realizes he's spoken, muffled as his voice is against Felix's skin.]

[bestswordmaster]

[Felix breathes out a quiet sigh of relief when Sylvain starts to calm, and doesn't realize he was tensing up for other reasons until that simple kiss relaxes him. Illogical though it may be, he feared that all of this might have...cooled their relationship, somehow. That Sylvain might step back from his affections, or...something. It's all still too new for Felix to feel completely secure--obviously, judging by the last five minutes.

At the question, Felix's eyes widen.]

No. Absolutely not.

[gautsome]

[Sylvain can't help but smile against the skin there. He's trying not to laugh out loud at the desperation in Felix's tone. It's a little mean, but... Felix is likely one of the most adorable men he's ever come across. Especially when he's flustered.]

It might help, you know. [His laugh is warm, but still sweet. He presses a few more kisses there, apologetic as can be.] But that's okay. It just means I get to keep you to myself.

[bestswordmaster]

[Felix relaxes more to hear Sylvain laugh, even if it is at his expense. The worry nags at him that he won't be enough to make Sylvain happy. By comparison to Dimitri, he's not sure how he ever could be enough. But for now, Sylvain is laughing, and wants him, and so Felix pushes his worries aside and focuses on the feel of the other man's lips on his hand and the beautiful honey-brown of his eyes. He flushes slightly.]

It won't help. I want to focus on you.

[He pulls his hand away from Sylvain's lips so he can claim them with his own instead. When he pulls back and opens his eyes, they flicker downward.]

Sylvain...I'm...I really am sorry. For what I said earlier. I didn't believe it. I was just... [Afraid. He shakes his head.] I don't want to lose you, either.

[gautsome]

[The kiss ends much to fast for Sylvain. Now, more than ever, he wants to devour Felix whole. Or perhaps, he simply wants to be devoured. He doesn't want to think about the negativity dwelling within his chest, the desperation and the heartbreak there. He certainly doesn't want to think about his poor reputation, and how it even colored his relationship with his best friend.

It's all the more reason not to. If he were to use Felix for that, to hide from himself, then it would be no better than any other partner he'd had.]

It's okay. I know I have not set the best precedent. [He closes his eyes, wincing in the slightest.] Would you... hate me if I wanted to tell Dimitri myself? Only about how I felt, nothing more.

[bestswordmaster]

[Despite everything that's just happened, Sylvain's question feels like a piece of burning coal in Felix's gut.]

Why do you want to do that? What would it accomplish? You know Dimitri, he'll just feel guilty.

[Or...or he'll tell Sylvain he reciprocates, and Felix doesn't want to think about what happens then.]

[gautsome]

Yeah, you're right.

[He closes his eyes. It was stupid idea anyway. Just as stupid as the idea of them all happily moving between each other, content with sharing. It's not like Sylvain isn't used to being passed around from people -- he's just never factored something like love into it.

But he couldn't do that to Felix. If he wasn't willing, and he doesn't sound willing based off of everything, then he wouldn't push it.]

Sorry. I'll let it go.

[bestswordmaster]

...you didn't answer the question. Sylvain...

[He loathes this feeling, the building of pressure behind his eyes and the tightness in his throat. He will not cry in front of Sylvain. He can't.]

Tell me now if you won't be happy with just me. I can't...just...just tell me.

[gautsome]

I didn't say that, Felix.

[Is this how it feels, to constantly deal with his own self-doubt. He's starting to understand why Felix seemed so frustrated about it. He doesn't know how many times he can insist that Felix is enough when --

When really, Sylvain isn't giving him any reason to believe that.

He bows his head, breathing out a low sigh.]

I am happy with just you. I would be. But that doesn't change how I feel. And trying to use you to fill that gap isn't fair. [He breathes out, air quivering even as he tries.]

People are... some people have multiple partners, that's normal. But if that is not what you want then... That's that. I love you, Felix. Loved you first. That won't change.

[bestswordmaster]

[Felix only truly hears the last part first, and the second he feels the pressure behind his eyes start to become more of a real sting, he leans forward to wrap his arms tightly around Sylvain and hide his face, with a whisper.]

I love you, too.

[It takes a few seconds of clinging like a pathetic child to Sylvain before Felix fully parses the other things he heard. He pulls back again, eyes narrowed in confusion.]

Wait. What are you talking about? What's normal?

[gautsome]

[Sylvain doesn't need to see Felix's face to know what's happening. It nearly threatens to crumble his heart into pieces. He feels so ashamed for bringing any of this up, for allowing himself to have feelings for anyone else but Felix.

As a child, he'd made vague threats toward those who would make Felix cry. He supposed it was time to turn those threats around on himself.]

Normal to... Be with more than one person. They can have a boyfriend and a girlfriend and love them both the same, I guess.

[bestswordmaster]

What? I've never heard of such a thing.

[Felix doesn't know what to think about this idea, if it's really true--and Sylvain said he'd never lie to him, so it must be. He feels like he's teetering on the edge of feeling anything at all, as though the gentlest breeze could push him one way or another. He tries not to think about the way Dimitri looked at him, that day in the snow.]

That's why you wanted to tell Dimitri. But...he could just as easily not feel the same way. Or worse, only feel that way about one of us.

[gautsome]

Then... That's okay. Nothing happens. We still have each other, and we don't have to question how he feels.

[He does hesitate for a moment, at the second doubt Felix has. He closes his eyes tightly, nuzzling into his partner's shoulder. His fingers work soothing circles into his back.]

If he doesn't feel that way about me though, then... You shouldn't let that stop you. We don't have to be together, all three of us. I just want you to be happy.

[bestswordmaster]

[Felix brings a hand up to idly card through Sylvain's hair almost automatically. He hates the path his mind is starting to take, but he can't stop it--other Fraldariuses have already sacrificed on Dimitri's behalf, Felix doesn't want to be one of them. He doesn't want to...to share, if it means having to watch Sylvain with Dimitri and knowing that he isn't welcome there with them. And yet...well, he's no coward.]

That's my line. I want you to be happy. But you're right. Speculation gets us nowhere. The only way to resolve this is to tell him, and deal with the consequences.

[gautsome]

I am happy. [Sylvain's voice is insistent. He peeks up, staring up at Felix. When that doesn't feel like enough, he reaches up to hold his face. His fingers move delicately over the skin of his cheeks, sighing as he does.]

I know it doesn't sound like it. But I am. [He leans up, pressing their foreheads together. He takes the time to breathe in, to enjoy every single thing Felix had to offer.]

If you want, we can wait. I know there are still plenty of things that you and I have not done together yet. I... Would rather put you first before adding anyone else in.

[bestswordmaster]

[The reassurance helps more than Felix expected it to, and he closes his eyes.]

I'm...happy, too. With you.

[And he keeps his eyes closed as Sylvain goes on, because he doesn't quite trust that they wouldn't be shimmering just a little if he opened them. Dammit, he hasn't done this in years, what is Sylvain doing to him? He flushes a little.]

All right. We'll wait. ...thank you.

[gautsome]

Of course, Felix. I... really would do just about anything for you.

[He rests his hands on Felix's cheeks, thumbing at the skin above the bone carefully. One hand eventually trails back into his hair, smoothing it over where he can and playing with whatever loose ends he could get at.

Would he mourn the loss, if Dimitri said he wasn't interested? Absolutely. But Sylvain was perfectly happy with this. He wasn't joking, wasn't lying when he said he loved Felix, would die by his side. That would never change.]

Can I ask one more question? And you have to promise not to laugh or get upset.