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[bestswordmaster]

Sylvain said I needed to record something to tell you to leave a message, even though if you're bothering to message me in the first place you already know what you're supposed to do, so this is pointless. So...leave a message, I guess. Maybe I'll get back to you. Maybe I won't.

[beep]

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[bestswordmaster]

[Felix didn't consciously come back to the inn specifically for this--for Sylvain to hold him in his arms--but once the offer is there it feels like a relief. He flops onto the bed and crawls over to curl up close to Sylvain, looking vaguely out the window. At the snow. He doesn't say anything at first, just letting himself be there in this embrace, and involuntarily thinking about when they were children and Felix would run to Sylvain in tears when he argued with the prince...ugh.]

[gautsome]

[This is fine, Sylvain can work with this.

He really hadn't expected Felix to come to him at all. Now that he's here, though, Sylvain can focus on something other than his thoughts. His fingers work up to Felix's hair, letting it down from its usual tie and carefully working his fingers through it. It isn't a perfect job, Sylvain doesn't dare to get up to get a proper brush, but he can still at least tame the mess.]

[bestswordmaster]

[Felix just sits there for a little while, leaning against Sylvain and letting him fix his hair. It feels nice. Eventually, without moving,] I gave Dimitri his gift yesterday. He almost cried, the sap. [There's no venom at all, not even a hint of disdain.] ...he made me a real training sword, and a lance for himself. So we could spar.

[gautsome]

He cares about you. You're a good friend of his.

[Sylvain breathes out. Of course Dimitri cares. Even if they had both failed him, he would still care for them. It was made him such a good king. Beneath all of the trauma, there was a good heart.

Too good for Sylvain, at least.]

The first night I was here, Dimitri went and bought me dinner. A feast, since he thought he had failed me in life. He was always thinking about how much he'd failed us. As if we weren't the ones failing to hold him up.

[bestswordmaster]

It's not as though he doesn't deserve some blame, Sylvain. You haven't seen him truly at his worst. You wouldn't recognize him if you did. And he pushed us away, all throughout the months leading up to Gronder.

But...back at the academy. I was needlessly cruel. I'm sure there was something more useful I could have done, but I couldn't see it. I can't see it now, either. You saw what happened in Goldenrod. I felt like I was going to throw up. I couldn't think straight. I made it worse. No wonder he's--

[Felix falls silent.]

[gautsome]

[He knows it isn't Felix's intention, that he doesn't actively seek to push him away. But he feels those words like a knife, resting firmly next to the one that Grant's revelation had put there.

Sylvain didn't understand. Out of those that had came from Fodlan, Sylvain was the most out of step. He didn't know the worst of what was to come. He didn't know his best friends, not like he should have.

His head droops onto Felix's shoulder. He'd promised not to fake smiles around the other man, but he'd said nothing about hiding himself altogether.]

We didn't know any better. You were still a kid, practically. You both were. We... Didn't know what was going to happen.

[bestswordmaster]

I did know. [There's a little heat in his tone, now.] Obviously not exactly, but I saw him...lose control completely. At our first battle. If it weren't for you, I probably would have done something stupid, like run off alone or...I don't know. And maybe I was a child then, but what's my excuse now?

[He pulls himself further into Sylvain's embrace, not quite into his lap but getting there.]

[gautsome]

I don't know, Felix.

[He feels the man shift, and immediately moves his arms to compensate for it. His fingers work gentle circles down the column of Felix's spine, hoping to provide some sort of distraction. He isn't sure who the distraction is meant to be for, though.

All the while, his head remains firmly pressed downward. That's probably fine.]

[bestswordmaster]

...Sylvain? What are you doing?

[He shifts back again, pulling away a little to move Sylvain's head off of his shoulder so he can cup his hand under the man's chin and tilt it up.]

Why are you hiding?

[gautsome]

Nothing --

[He tries to protest quick enough, but Felix is faster. He can't exactly fight the touch without causing a scene, so he goes with it. After a moment, he opens his eyes, glancing up at Felix. For a moment, the guilt might be evident in his eyes.

But then it slips out. Put on the spot like he is, he defaults to instinct alone. That smile unfurls. It's plastered on almost perfectly, a practiced mask, save for how it fails to do anything about the misery in his eyes.]

I'm fine, Felix. Don't worry about me.

[bestswordmaster]

Sylvain. [It's almost a growl.] I didn't come back here just to blubber at you. Tell me what's wrong. And quit smiling at me like that, I hate it.

[gautsome]

[He has the good sense to not recoil, even as every fiber in his being screams to do so. Felix isn't mad at him, or at least Sylvain hopes that's the case. It's just a frustrating situation for all of them.]

It's like we said, Felix. [He sighs and tries to go back to laying his head on the other man's shoulder. It's hard to talk about it when he's being stared down.] We failed him. And I don't even know how bad I managed to fail him, either.

[bestswordmaster]

[Felix doesn't protest the movement, instead slipping his arms around Sylvain and scooting closer again.] Ask me questions if you want, but there's not much to say. He snarled at everyone who came near him and went on bloody rampages in battle without a shred of tactical intent. He barely slept, barely ate, wouldn't look anyone in the eye, talked to his ghosts more than any of us. All you did was avoid him just like he wanted.

[gautsome]

[Ignoring Dimitri. That sounded like something Sylvain would do. He ignored all of his problems when they bubbled up. And Dimitri... had just become another thorn in his side.

At least, that was what it sounded like.

Five years of missing and mourning him, and this was what Sylvain did.]

I'm sorry.

[bestswordmaster]

If you want to apologize for something you haven't done and won't do now that you're forewarned, apologize to him, not to me. But that's ridiculous. You can't use 'we didn't know better' as an excuse and then blame yourself for something that hasn't happened yet.

[Felix sighs, shifting a hand to bury it in Sylvain's hair.] Hmph. We're both being pathetic. Giving up before anything has even happened.

[gautsome]

[Sylvain chooses not to respond to that. He simply presses into Felix's hand, breathing out a small sigh as he does. Felix is right, they're giving up before they know what's going on.

But then, Felix doesn't know what Sylvain is actually giving up on. If he did, he would be sure to hate Sylvain.]

Guess we'll... just. Have to see how thing go, right?

[bestswordmaster]

Right. And if we have to fight for him, we will.

[He doesn't elaborate on what he means by that. He's not entirely sure he knows what he means by that. He just knows that he didn't go to all this trouble to reconcile things with Dimitri just to lose him to someone from some other world that they've known for a few months at most. He's quiet for a bit, and then,]

His Crest doesn't work here. I realized it while we were sparring. Now he's only absurdly strong instead of inhumanly strong. He didn't even come close to snapping his practice lance in half.

[gautsome]

Right.

[Fight for him. It makes his heart twist in the slightest. If only Felix knew what that could imply, what Sylvain's fight might mean. The twist sharpens, like a knife, the tip of a sword. Of course he knows that feeling all too well.

His grip on Felix tightens, and he attempts to move to hide his face again.]

Felix, I -- [It almost comes bubbling out there, but he's saved by Felix's own statement. It's distracting enough that he perks back up, smile faint but at least genuine.]

That's good, isn't it? He was always so scared about touching people. [His heart lurches again. Of course he would learn this when it felt like Dimitri's hugs, those gentle touches, were further away than ever.]

[bestswordmaster]

Mm. He was a sap about that, too. Insisted on hugging me. [Felix sounds a little less displeased than one might expect.] And he got all excited about being able to make snowballs. They used to crumble in his hands, remember?

But I interrupted you. Sorry. What were you going to say?

[gautsome]

[Sylvain smiles, even as his heart seizes. It's... unfair, to think of a time when they were children, not after everything that had happened. It's unfair that Dimitri had struggled to even be a child.

And it's unfair that Sylvain is thinking about all of this now, when it was almost too late to understand what it all meant.]

I -- [love him, is what he wants to say. But the thought of Felix's expression tempers his tongue. Instead, he leans his head all the heavier against the other man, trying once more to hide away.]

I don't want to lose you, okay? Not if I have to lose him, too.

[bestswordmaster]

[...what? What is that supposed to mean? Felix stiffens in Sylvain's grasp, pulling back as far as he can without actually breaking the embrace.]

What the hell are you talking about, Sylvain? You wouldn't mind losing me if--what? If he were here instead? Then it would be just fine with you if I left?

[An invisible hand reaches into his chest and grasps his heart, slowly crushing it. Vividly, he remembers watching Sylvain gently caress their prince's face, touch him like--like a lover would. And...and he remembers the way Dimitri looked at him, at Felix, when he opened his gift, and when he pulled Felix up out of the snow and wrapped him in his strong arms--

And he suddenly feels sick, and much too hot. He should have known. There was no way Sylvain meant all those ridiculous things he said in the forest. No way, after all this time, that Sylvain would suddenly decide he was...interested in Felix. Why would he, when Dimitri is right there and finally coming into his own? How could Sylvain not love him?

Felix tries to pull away fully now, turning his back to Sylvain to sit at the edge of the bed and huddle into himself if Sylvain will let him go. No wonder he didn't want to...go any further together. Felix really was the bigger fool, all along. He sneers.]

So what was all this, then? Just some kind of...practice run? A stepping stone to what you really wanted? Settling for your best friend until you could convince Dimitri to take my place?

[...but he won't cry. He won't. He won't. Please, Goddess, let him hold onto that much control.]

[gautsome]

What --? [Stunned as he is, Sylvain doesn't fight Felix pulling away. He regrets it immediately, not just because he knows he'll add to the doubt that his partner is feeling. He regrets it because there's no way to hide the way his face absolutely crumples.

His horrible reputation was his own fault, really? But it feels... especially vicious, when it's Felix who thinks he could do something like that. The realization curls around his vocal cords like a vice, a chilled hand strangling him and keeping him from saying anything more. It hurts, from his chest down to the tips of his toes, it hurts to hear Felix say that about him.

Deserved or not.]

You really think I would do that?

[His voice comes out as little more than a hushed whisper. It's all he can manage through the tightening of his throat. What had he said all along? That he didn't deserve Felix? And he'd been right. After all he had done, and for him to have the audacity to even think about Dimitri in that light.

This was exactly what he deserved. This was his Goddess given punishment.

He hardly realizes he's speaking again. He doesn't even know if Felix will hear it, with how soft it is.]


Why is it so hard to believe that I could love both of you?

[He wants to run. The soles of his feet itched with the need to pick up and flee the scene. Perhaps this time he could get far enough to not be caught by Dimitri. The last thing he wants is to see Dimitri right now.

So he stays put.]

[bestswordmaster]

[The honest answer is no. No, he doesn't really think Sylvain would do that--not to him. Not after everything they've been through together. But he couldn't think of another explanation for why...why Sylvain would treat losing Dimitri's attention as the same as losing Felix. Why else would that be, unless--?

But Sylvain provides the explanation in the fragile silence that falls, and Felix feels like he suddenly swallowed an ice cube whole. His eyes widen, his breath catches; he feels a little dizzy. So he was right. Sylvain does love Dimitri, and Felix thinks he should be heartbroken. Angry. Right? This should sound like complete nonsense.

But it doesn't quite, because...he knows, deep down, that he's always loved Dimitri too. It felt different, and so he assumed it must be something else--but when he thinks about Dimitri holding him close in the snow, he can't truthfully claim otherwise.

He doesn't move, but he does respond. His voice is smaller and more uncertain than he would have liked. A little choked.]

...no, Sylvain, I...I don't think you would do that. I'm sorry. I just thought...it doesn't matter what I thought.

[He doesn't want to face Sylvain. Eye contact is hard enough at the best of times; now, when he's probably hurt Sylvain more than he ever did even in his most spiteful moments? He thinks he really might actually cry if he has to see that in those warm brown eyes.

But Sylvain deserves better than that. So he takes in a shaky breath and steels himself, before he turns around, even if he can only maintain eye contact for a second before he's looking down.]

And it isn't. Hard to believe. That's not hard to believe because I think...I think I'm the same.

[gautsome]

[There is hurt there, though it's lessened in the slightest by Felix's words. He feels... a touch better, even if it doesn't completely ease the ache in his soul. That Felix could even hurtle such accusations toward him settles uncomfortably in his gut, but he can swallow that down for right now.

He's always been good at swallowing things down, right?

That Felix admits to having loved Dimitri too also stings. Some part of him wonders if it's Felix that's settling for him, a stepping stone until he was ready to approach Dimitri. This thought gets pushed from his mind as quick as possible, Sylvain swallowing that down as well, despite the knives that are still pushing at his throat.

At least he can clarify his own stance.]

It's not that I love you any less. Or that I'm settling. I would never do that to you, Felix, I promise. But -- [He thinks of how Dimitri looked when Sylvain touched his face, gave him even the barest hint of contact.]

Maybe it's for the best that him and Grant are... considering all of that. Makes it easier on us at least, right?

[His laugh is tight, forced even. But at least he's not pretending to smile.]

[bestswordmaster]

I believe you.

[It's firm and sure, not hesitant.] And I don't love you any less either. I want you with me until I die. I always have and I always will. And...

[He's never told Sylvain about Rodrigue's feelings for Lambert. Felix wasn't even supposed to know, but when he was going through Glenn's things after he died, he found a few letters and a journal, and after that a few other signs here and there convinced him. He used to think it was misplaced hero worship--a love not of the man but of his role and their ancient ties. Since then...well. He's not so sure, anymore.]

...if my father could live with only being the king's Shield and advisor, then so can I.