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[bestswordmaster]

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	» Age: 23 » Species: Human » A5 Card: Open » Seeking: Nothing. Leave me alone. » Preferences: I prefer that you stop contacting me. » Interests: Swords. » Bio: Why is this even here? If you don't know who I am already, don't send me any messages.
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	Felix Hugo Fraldarius

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[crestlaiden]

Sylvain immediately looks down and away from Felix, body language reflecting someone who is being chided though his expression is close to blank.

"Is it? You said it before, that's what I do," His tone is nothing, just dead and flat. He'd already been consoling Byleth, already holding him, though that had mostly been to try to warm him up.

Sylvain's gaze flickers up to Felix, a small spark of hope in his eyes along with something stormier.

"You wouldn't be here?" There seems to be a lot of that question left unasked. Would Felix really just silently walk away if he fucked up bad enough? It actually seemed pretty likely based on what had happened with Dimitri until they'd been forced to interact again at the monastery. Not a word, possibly not even a hint at what he'd done wrong, just gone.

Before he can even start to tackle that, Felix makes some kind of mental leap that Sylvain doesn't follow.

"What? No! It isn't the same! Ughhh," He slumps backward, legs still cross as he lies on his back, lifting his arms to loosely hang across his face.

"It isn't a competition! And that isn't how I feel about Byleth. Maybe I could one day but I don't right now. I just... There's plenty of room in... in my heart, I guess, for more than one person. It sounds stupid but I don't know how else to explain it. But still, that isn't even what that was about," He knows he's doing terribly at explaining himself and it only feels like it's devolving, "It was a friend kind of loved.

But I don't understand why we're still talking about this. I did it. Now I know I shouldn't have. And I won't again."

[bestswordmaster]

Felix drops his head to bury his face in his arms, curling in on himself further. He's so...confused. Is Sylvain upset because Felix is wrong, or because he's right? Why don't any of these questions have straight answers? Does Sylvain really love him or not?

He doesn't pick his head up. "I wouldn't be here in this room having this discussion. You keep talking like you have to be perfect, but that's stupid. No one is perfect. I just...I don't understand."

That outburst is what makes Felix lift his gaze again to watch Sylvain flop over. He's utterly perplexed now, and that's...unsettling. He thought he knew Sylvain better than anyone. But between the memories in that ice dream and now this, he's starting to feel like maybe he doesn't at all, and that's...terrifying, frankly. He can't take the rug being pulled out from under him yet again. Not when it's Sylvain he might lose.

"You 'could'? Is that...what you're trying to do?" This makes no sense to Felix. You either love someone, or you don't.

But he pauses, then. Room for more than one person. Felix has loved two people for as long as he can remember. There must have been some point when he was little when he didn't yet, but by the time he understood what love was, he was already there. So that part makes sense, but he's not sure he could ever fall for someone new. Why would he want to? Why would he try to?

"No, I...that doesn't sound stupid." His voice is quiet, now. "But I don't know how I'm supposed to tell the difference between this 'friend' kind of...thing, and what you said to me."

Then he groans and uncurls himself to lie flat on his stomach on the floor beside Sylvain, head pillowed on his folded arms. "We're still talking about it because I'm not the only one who matters here, Sylvain. If you keep thinking of this like it's just you needing to live up to my expectations, you'll end up miserable. I have to live up to yours, too. I won't be the sort of...of whatever we are to act like your damned father, making demands for who I think you 'should' be. I just want the person you are already."

[crestlaiden]

Sylvain is mostly still once he's lying down, arms still covering his face though his eyes are wide open, searching the folds of his sleeves as if they could give him some kind of answer.

He shakes his head slightly when Felix asks him if he was trying to- he isn't even sure- trying to fall in love with Byleth? Of course, he wasn't trying to go falling in love with anyone. In fact, if he could just never have feelings for anyone else that would make all of this so much easier. But then Felix seems to start understanding, just a little bit. Maybe.

"I'm not trying to fall in love with him. Or anybody. I was just trying to-" He sighs, voice lower and quieter when he continues, "You already know what I was trying to do."

He shifts one of his arms so that he can turn his head to look at Felix.

"Do you need to be able to tell the difference? I mean, beyond me telling you that's how it is? I don't..." He wets his lips and decides to just go for it, he's already dove in anyway, "I don't love anyone else but you, Fe. But I do care about Byleth, y'know? And I didn't think kissing him would hurt you. Or him."

Shifting again, Sylvain eases onto his side, tucking one arm under his head, facing Felix. It's strange, they're lying so close but he feels the space between them.

"Well, there's no way you couldn't live up to my expectations, so that part is easy," He says with complete confidence, "But... I mean, obviously this... upset you. Right? And I don't want to do something that's going to make you feel this way. I just didn't think that would, you know? But now that I do know, I can not do that anymore. If that's what you want. Not kissing other people is something I can do. I mean, not doing anything like that with other people is something I can do."

[bestswordmaster]

When Sylvain turns to face him, Felix wants to close his eyes, or turn his head away, but he doesn't. This is too important.

That confidence, easy and genuine, is reassuring somehow. Not because he thought he would fall short, per se, but because Sylvain didn't even need to think about it.

His brow furrows in thought. Is that what he wants? He doesn't think so, but then what does he want?

"Mm. Given where we are, that's probably unrealistic. It's...it was the uncertainty. Not knowing why, or what it meant. Not knowing it was something that might happen until it already did. Not knowing what a kiss meant to you, I suppose. If we...do what Dimitri and Edelgard did. Agree on a compromise. Move forward without any more uncertainty. That would be acceptable."

He thinks over the other things Sylvain has said. "I don't want the same thing to happen to you someday. Getting...caught off-guard by something I've done. Perhaps you believe there's no way I could fail, but that can only be true if I know what your expectations are. Tell me what you need."

And there's one more thing he should say. He doesn't really want to - no, that's not right. He wants to, but it's difficult. But if Sylvain could do it, then so can he.

"And I want...to apologize. For making you think I don't trust you. I do. I promise. And..." He slides one arm out from under his head to reach for Sylvain's free hand, if he'll let him. "And I love you, too."

[crestlaiden]

"Right... Yeah, I guess this place will probably ensure we end up stuck in situations with other people," He swishes his lips a little. He's quiet as Felix continues, wondering if he'd cleared up any of that uncertainty at all or if he'd only made it worse.

"Do what his majesty and Edelgard did? And what's that?"

Sylvain shakes his head with the same absolute certainty when Felix asks about his expectations again, "I'm serious. I don't think there's much you could do. I... I can't think of anything. Maybe if I needed you and you made the choice to go spend time with someone else. Honestly, even if that happened, there'd probably be a good reason for it."

His brow furrows slightly at the apology but he can't help the little flicker of a smile when Felix reaches for his hand. As he threads their fingers together, his eyes widen a bit at the admission of love before he smiles softly, a faint blush coloring his cheeks.

[bestswordmaster]

"It always does," Felix grumbles in faint disgust. As for the uncertainty, well - Sylvain was pretty clear about his feelings for him even if he wasn't very clear about much else, and while Sylvain was once notorious for telling people anything they wanted to hear to avoid consequences, Felix doesn't think he'd do it to him. After all, Sylvain's the one who came to tell him what happened in the first place.

"They agreed to be..." A small spike of nerves goes through him before he can get the word out, but he tries to ignore it. "To be exclusive with each other, but with the caveat that if the island coerces them into intimacy with other people, or their friends need...help, like Ashe did, with that kind of coercion, then that's fine. I don't know whether they bother to tell each other about it or not. But...we can do that, as well. If that's acceptable to you."

If I needed you. That means there are times when Sylvain needs him. It's almost pathetic, Felix thinks, how warm that makes him feel to hear. Sure, lots of people need his blade, his insight into battle tactics, his skill. But no one else needs him to just be himself, like this. (In fact, most people would prefer that he not be himself. But he knows no other way.)

If his voice comes out a little sterner than he means it to, it's only because he wants to make certain Sylvain takes him seriously when he says: "If you need me, I will be by your side. Nowhere else."

Felix may never get over suddenly having the ability to make Sylvain Gautier blush. He shifts closer to sort of drape himself over the other man's chest. "Thank you, Sylvain," he murmurs.

[crestlaiden]

"'Needing help'... is so... subjective. When they don't really need our help specifically. They could use anyone's help. But... if that doesn't bother you, I'm also good with that," He pauses, fidgeting a little, "Do you... want to know about it? Or would you prefer we just do what we have to do and that's it?"

He isn't really sure which he'd prefer, "Maybe it's better if we keep that stuff to ourselves, yeah?"

Sylvain feels that same warmth when Felix promises to be there for him when he needs him. The only thing he really, truly wants. Although, kissing and sleeping with him are also very, very, very amazing.

He starts to shift closer as well when Felix seems to get struck with the same desire so he happily rolls over, tucking an arm under his head and wrapping the other around Felix.

"Thanks? For what?"

[bestswordmaster]

"I suppose every situation is different. I myself would prefer to receive that sort of help from a friend rather than a stranger, if for some reason it couldn't be you. I believe that's Dimitri's reasoning as well. It may be a question of urgency, or who is available, or...how much trust is required."

Sylvain's next question has Felix's brow furrowing in thought. His first instinct is to say no, he doesn't want to know. But...that feels too much like the past, when Sylvain's romantic flings were nothing more than distractions, at best, and Felix had absolutely no desire to hear about his self-destructive escapades. He always felt that it created a wedge between them to have an entire facet of Sylvain's life they never talked about, and he never wants that to happen again.

"...no. It isn't better. That would only create more uncertainty."

And then he's tucked into Sylvain's arms, and while he'd be loath to admit it out loud, this always makes him feel better. It did when he was a child, too. If he was upset or angry or confused or afraid, he would seek out Sylvain and Sylvain would hold him until he felt calmer and safer. In the end, that's all he really, truly wants - for them to fulfill their promise, stay together until they die together. Always.

Though of course, kissing Sylvain has become one of his favorite pastimes, and every time they fool around it's a chance for him to show Sylvain with actions the kinds of feelings he has trouble putting into words, and that makes the sex incredible.

"You despise this sort of discussion. But you were willing to stay and figure it out with me. I'm grateful for that."

[crestlaiden]

Every situation is different. Sylvain's face falls a little, "That makes things complicated. But, I mean, I trust you. I..."

He chews his lip, not sure he can ask for the same in return. Honestly, Sylvain wouldn't trust himself so he just can't see asking Felix to.

"No? ... Alright. If you're sure. We can talk about that stuff after it happens."

Felix rises slowly and then lowers with each inhale and steady exhale. It feels right. Comforting.

"Well, you didn't outright accuse me of anything or yell at me. So, that was nice. I mean, wanting to understand is a bit of a different conversation than accusations and ultimatums. It, uh, also helps that I... y'know, would do anything to try to make this work."

The conversation hadn't been pleasant but it had felt notably different.

"Oh, should we figure out what, um, things we're supposed to do. Not that I really want to ask to go home, if that's even something you can do, but having squares done makes things more comfortable, right? Like we can ask for other stuff?"

[bestswordmaster]

Felix isn't perfect at reading Sylvain, but he's good enough at it to know that when he chews his lip like that, it means there's something he isn't saying. Given the context, he can take a guess.

"I told you. I trust you, too. It isn't as complicated as you think."

He shifts his head to nuzzle into Sylvain's neck. "I'm sure."

He frowns, hearing the difference between the conversation they had and the one Sylvain expected. No wonder he came at it from such an unsettling and self-deprecating angle. Felix hates it, but at least he can change it now.

His eyes widen, then; his breath catches the slightest bit. Sylvain would do anything to make this work. Sylvain. The man who was infamous for never committing to anyone or anything. The man who dated his way across Fodlan and left a trail of broken hearts behind him. Would do anything to make this work. Felix has to take a moment to process that.

"Anything, huh? How about believing that your needs are just as important as mine, and valuing your own life as much as you value those you protect? Would you do that?"

The shift in topic takes Felix off-guard, and as a result he doesn't quite fully grasp exactly what Sylvain's getting at immediately. "Hm? We can. I'm told the Augur can even bring us things from home, if we want them."

[crestlaiden]

"Ugh, that isn't fair," He grumbles, tugging at a bit of Felix's hair as he shifts enough to knee him lightly, "Anything that aren't those things."

He's only half joking, mostly because he really doesn't want to tackle any of those 'issues' right now. But when does he ever?

"I dunno. Maybe I can think about those. But that still isn't fair," He says, tone softer, looking away.

Could Felix really blame him for changing the subject. He'd been thinking about these dumb cards recently anyway.

"If we finish a card, does this place ease up on drugging us?" He tilts his head thoughtfully, "Things from home... I can't really think of anything from home that I'd want to ask for. Everything I need is here."

[bestswordmaster]

Felix nudges Sylvain back with his elbow. "I don't see how it's unfair. You said 'anything.' I'm not letting you take it back."

Felix absolutely can blame him for changing the subject, but he knows he probably won't get more of a commitment to thinking about those things right now than he's already gotten, and if he keeps pushing, Sylvain will balk entirely like a spooked horse. Besides, Felix himself has had just about enough of talking about feelings for one day, too.

"I don't know what happens if we finish a card. I've never seen anyone do it. Edelgard had a theory that filling cards might help us get home, but after what happened with those creatures from the sea, I doubt it."

He hums in agreement. "Everything I need is here as well. I--" A pause, as a bit of heat rises to Felix's cheeks. "I've...exchanged a few squares for things. This house, for instance. Zoltan finding his way to us. This." He pulls the little moon pendant out from under his shirt briefly, the one that allows him to fully control his werewolf shifting. "Jose's tree and toys."

He's more or less mumbling by the time he finishes, knowing that Sylvain will pick up the implications immediately, and he's not looking forward to the questions that are probably coming. Though...considering the conversation they just had...maybe it's for the best.

Felix still reserves the right to hate it, though.

[crestlaiden]

"I did say anything. You managed to make me regret it immediately," He teases back with a soft smirk, "I'll... I'll see about working on it."

Felix, more than most, has to know that changing those kinds of things isn't easy and definitely isn't quick. They're barely even conscious decisions. It's just the way he feels. About himself. About others. But, sure, he'd think about working on it.

"I met a guy who said he'd finished his. If I remember, maybe I'll ask him about it. Though... he didn't seem like the type who really needed any, uh, encouraging," He says, swishing his lips.

It takes the name half a second to really sink in but, when it does, Sylvain perks up a little.

"Wait. The cat's name is Jose?" How had he not caught that until now? Or had it just not clicked? Either was entirely possible, "Did you name it?"

He's smirking now, looking pretty pleased with himself.

[bestswordmaster]

"Good. I'll keep reminding you."

Which is Felix's way of saying he's going to try to help. He's plenty aware it won't happen overnight, but as long as Sylvain's thinking about it (and Felix is occasionally yelling at him about it), that's progress.

"Huh. If he's still here, chances are going home wasn't an option."

Wait, what? Felix was expecting teasing about having filled so many squares, not about that. He glances up at Sylvain briefly, cheeks slightly pink.

"Of course I named him, he's my cat." Despite having started out as a stray. Whatever. "How did you not know what his name was all this time? What have you been calling him?"

[crestlaiden]

"That did come up. Going home, I mean. He had no interest in asking for it, so he didn't know. Which... honestly makes sense. I... I really don't mind it here. There's this," He vaguely motions between himself and Felix, "And there's no war. No... responsibilities."

So, basically a Sylvain-dream-come-true.

"Well. You said it could've been, like, other you. However that works," He points out, still looking surprised.

"Kitty?" He admits with a laugh, "I'm sure you've probably said it before, I guess I just wasn't paying attention."

[bestswordmaster]

Felix blinks. Sylvain...would rather stay here than go home? Here?

"We could have done 'this' at home, too. And we do have a responsibility. If we don't fulfill it, those damned automata force us to. At least the responsibilities we had at home didn't make it literally impossible to avoid them if we really wanted to." He tries to sound nonchalant about this, but some of the underlying resentment he harbors for the Augur and that so-called 'doctor' and their implant, and for the humiliation they cause, probably seeps through. "I've never been forced to be intimate with anyone at home, let alone strangers."

"Oh. It could have been, but it wasn't. The cat arrived here along with me and my sword." Which, now that he says it, is a little odd. Did the Augur think he needed a pet?...well, he won't complain.

"Hmph. Well, don't get a big head about it. It was just a...a whim, that's all."

[crestlaiden]

Sylvain swishes his lips, a flicker of reservation and doubt in his eyes despite managing to keep his smile almost convincingly in place.

"You know it's more complicated than that, Fe," How much it had taken to get them to realize the other was even interested, had been interested for the last... decade or more. And there was the war. And both of them were expected to marry and have children and heirs.

"Yeah, hooking up with people really isn't much of a responsibility," He counters before Felix tries to make the argument that he'd never been forced to do anything like this at home and Sylvain just looks at him pointedly for a second, "Sure."

"I'm hungry," He says suddenly, words clipped and curt, inadvertently asking to get up so he can escape this conversation. He really can't believe Felix wants to get back to Fodlan. And just leave him here. Go back to how they used to be.

[bestswordmaster]

Felix is prepared to argue that it really isn't that much more complicated, but Sylvain's sudden tone shift takes him off-guard and his temper flares.

"It is when you don't want to." Before Sylvain arrived, there was only one person here he actually wanted to be intimate with, and that...well, the less said about that, the better. "I'm not talking about expectations for the future, Sylvain, I'm talking about literally being--"

His face burns with shame and he can't force the rest of the sentence out. He feels like he's choking on the words. He sits up and turns away from Sylvain.

"Forget it."

[crestlaiden]

Sylvain's expression darkens further and his brows knit.

"Sure, but I don't want to kill our old classmates, our friends, or potentially die myself or see my friends die because I've made a mistake, or get married to some noble woman my father chooses because it benefits him politically or be offered up to strangers because of my crest and the heirs I can provide.

You know what isn't so bad? Sometimes having to hook up with people here and otherwise get to spend time with you and our friends and do what I want," He snaps.

"Literally being what? Forced to sleep with someone? So what? What do you think will happen when your future wife is picked out for you? At least that part can feel good and be enjoyable if you just don't think about it too much."

[bestswordmaster]

So what? Felix is glad he turned away, because that makes him flinch. Well, why would Sylvain care? He's always used intimacy as a means to an end anyway. If he knew that Felix had never done it at all before he came here, he would probably call him naive. Even now, Sylvain probably finds him hilariously ignorant, at best. Weak and fragile, more likely.

Felix's cheeks remain hot with humiliation. Was he supposed to like being forced into it? Is that what Sylvain would rather have happened?

"What, like you? You have so little respect for yourself that you don't care what happens to you. Don't think about it too much? You don't think about anything. No wonder it didn't even occur to you to consider how I might feel about what you were doing with Byleth. I doubt I even crossed your mind at all."

He stands up, keeping his back to Sylvain. He forces his tone to be harsher than he wants it to be just so he can be sure his voice won't shake. Sylvain already thinks he's pathetic; no need to reinforce it. "You know what? Fine. If that's how you feel about it, then do whatever you want. Sleep with whoever you want. If you don't care, if you don't want to think about it too much, then neither do I."

He starts walking away.

[crestlaiden]

Head tilting slightly, he pushes his lips into a thin line as Felix basically just states the obvious.

Felix stands up, so he does too.

"Felix. Stop. That's not what I was saying. I meant just don't think about who you're with if it bothers you that much. Felix!" He half growls, taking a step after him to snag his wrist and keep him from walking away, "Don't run away. We're talking."

Grabbing his shoulder with his other hand, he tries to get a good enough grip to turn him around, planning on trying to pin him against the wall. It's a bit of an escalation but it's better than letting Felix continue to try to get away.

"I don't know what else you expect me to say! Apparently you don't mind that shit back home and you're being dismissive about it and saying you want to go back, which is fucking mindblowing to me. So, why are you acting like it's so crazy that I'm saying the opposite?"

[bestswordmaster]

The second Felix feels Sylvain's hand close around his wrist, he stiffens and tries to pull away. "I thought you were hungry," he snaps, acidic.

He thinks that will be the end of it, but he should have known better - Sylvain has very rarely just let him fuck off from a conversation, although usually he just follows along and natters at him until he can't ignore it anymore.

So Felix is caught off-guard by the rest. By the time his back hits the wall and Sylvain's looking down at him, his eyes are wide with shock. He and Sylvain have sparred enough, horsed around enough, that he knows for a fact he could get past him if he really wanted to and was willing to get a little scrappy - and that's before taking into account the fact that he could also just...turn into a wolf.

He snarls up at Sylvain, which is more reminiscent of a wolf's snarl than it used to be, but he doesn't transform. Not yet, anyway. He does shove at Sylvain with both hands in an attempt to push him off without having to actually fight.

"Get off me. I'm not you. I can't just not think about who I'm with. And I never said I didn't mind any of that. Obviously, I mind! I have a Major Crest, Sylvain, people have been trying to arrange marriages with me for just as long, if not longer. And you know I want the war to end. I don't want you to keep riding into battle like you don't care whether you live or die. I don't want anyone else to sacrifice themselves for Dimitri and his damn throne like my father did."

Felix takes a breath. He hasn't really thought much about Rodrigue since that nightmare with Byleth; Sylvain's right about one thing, this place is a distraction from reality. But no distraction can change what's happened; whether they're here or at home, his father is gone and there will never be a chance to fix what was broken for so long.

That much was hard enough to say out loud; the rest feels impossible. His gaze drops down and off to the side, away from Sylvain. "But until you got here, this wasn't any better. Not for me."

His face screws up in some mix of anger and defeat, as he changes what he was going to say. Safer this way, and it's not like this isn't also true.

"And now that you are here, you could disappear again without warning at any time. It's happened to others. It's happened to me twice before, according to Dimitri. We could lose this in an instant and we have no control over that. And there's evidence that when people vanish, they don't go home. At least if we returned to Fodlan, we'd be sure we could keep that promise we made."

[crestlaiden]

"I suddenly lost my appetite," He grumbles in return, brows knit as he lets Felix's wrist go. He may not have his hands on Felix any longer but he hasn't stepped aside, keeping him half blocked in. The shove from Felix feels more like a need to retaliate than an actual attempt to get away. The push barely moves him, mostly just earning Felix a glare.

"But I am here now. And you want to leave," Sylvain just shakes his head as Felix continues and it's hard to know whether or not he's really hearing any of it as he hugs his arms around his chest and steps back.

"Being worried that one of us will disappear is pretty different from actively trying to leave, Fe," He accuses, eyes starting to get a little glassy. He felt just as drained. He couldn't think anymore and he was on the verge of feeling nothing, just numb.

He shakes his head when Felix mentions still having this when or if they went back to Fodlan, "I don't think it works that way, Fe. That's why I don't want to go. At least if we're here..."

He raises a shoulder faintly in a weak shrug, jaw clenching as he fought back the prickling of tears in his eyes, his throat feeling tight as he forced an empty smile.

[bestswordmaster]

"I do want to leave, but I don't want to leave without you, you fool!" It's annoyed, exasperated, but mostly it's disbelieving. Why would Felix ever want that? The first few months he was here on the island were the first time in his life that he couldn't talk to Sylvain at all, not even in letters. The first time he existed in a world that didn't have Sylvain in it. He was miserable. That was the whole reason for their promise in the first place.

He folds his arms and drops his gaze. Quieter, then, "I wouldn't try to leave unless I knew you were coming with me. So if you want to stay, then we'll stay. And if you vanish...I won't try to leave until I know you've made it home."

[crestlaiden]

[continued here]